Text filesEdit


0 You talk to yourself, and are amazed to discover you already know what you're going to say. 1 Good idea. You carefully remove your lubber and dispose of it in a way that will not be described here. 2 Carefully exploring your leisure suit, you find it stylish but empty. 3 Larry! The whole point of this game was to stop doing that! 4 "Phew! You smell like a used fire hydrant!" 5 Sniffing your leisure suit thoroughly, you conclude there's nothing quite like the fragrance of fresh polyester! Ahhh! 6 Licking your leisure suit leads you to the conclusion that polyester doesn't mean good taste! 7 You pay yourself a few bucks, which you decide to keep in your wallet. 8 Now?! 9 You don't need to wind your watch; it's self-winding. 10 (And it seems lately, you've been winding it plenty!) 11 The apple tastes delicious. You devour it all. 12 Slipping the magic ring onto your finger gives you powers far beyond those of... 13 ...Oops. Wrong game. 14 You slam down the shot of cheap booze, then with a flourish, break the glass on the floor! 15 (Pretty dramatic, eh?) 16 Although it appears to do nothing, aiming the remote control at your groin while rapidly pressing the channel selector does make you feel quite silly. 17 You prick yourself with the rose. 18 This is hardly the place for that! 19 The candy tastes so delicious, you consume it all. Now you're worried about your acne. 20 Come on, Larry! Don't lose hope! There's no need to commit suicide... at least, not yet! 21 You quickly down all the cheap wine, crumple the box, and toss it away. Your thirst is gone. 22 And your breath is revolting! 23 Pounding yourself with the hammer is ONE idea; it's just not a GOOD idea! 24 Without thinking, you swallow the entire bottle of pills. "Say, this stuff is ok!" you think. 25 But, wait! Soon your breathing becomes heavy. Soon you become horny! Soon you must have relief! You've got to do something, and NOW! 26 You wonder about the location of that cute, little dog you met outside. 27 You've always loved animals! 28 Following your conviction for bestiality, you spend the rest of your life in prison, turning big rocks into little ones! 29 You wrap the pink ribbon carefully around your head, before deciding the "Shirley Temple look" just isn't your bag! 30 It's a face only a mother could love! 31 You stick your finger deep into your ear until that itch goes away. You hope no one is watching! 32 It's not much to look at. 33 To whom were you trying to speak? 34 There's nothing to do there. 35 You gaily display your bright pink ribbon for all to see. 36 Kill! Kill! Kill! 37 (Doesn't anybody ---- anymore?) 38 Try finding some place else to place %s. 39 You coyly turn your back and relieve yourself. You quickly feel much better. The hint of a smile crosses your lips. 40 You really don't want to put your face near that. 41 No! Don't leave me all alone inside your computer! You can't imagine the things your CPU does to me when you're not watching! 42 Your mouth tastes like the inside of a motorman's glove! 43 Your breath smells like floor sweepings from a rendering plant. 44 Your breath is enough to take your breath away. 45 Your mouth tastes like drippings from a marathon runner's sock. 46 Now you know where old elephants go to die--your mouth! 47 Oh, no! You are now penniless. You hock your leisure suit only to spend the rest of your life wandering from town to town, wondering about what "might have been." 48 POOR Larry! 49 The rest of your story is simply too sad to tell. Larry, it's time for a little "R & R," -- Restart or Restore! 50 Why, look! It's %s. 51 You engage in a short, but personally meaningful conversation with %s. 52 That feels exactly like %s. 53 Perhaps %s is not into velveteen S & M. 54 You're a lover, not a fighter! 55 It seems %s just doesn't work with %s. 56 Larry! Don't do that to %s! 57 To you, %s has no distinctive smell or taste. 58 Score: %d of %d 59 "Hey, dork! You've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe!" 60 You nonchalantly scrape it off. 61 "Eeeyow! Do something about that breath of yours!" 62 You'd better not. You might get your face slapped! 63 "I have no use for %s!" says %s.


0 You are outside Lefty's bar. Isn't it wonderful what can be done with a little neon? 1 You notice a sign on that utility pole. 2 "STOP, PERVERT!!!" shouts the cop. "I wonder who he's yelling at," you think. 3 "Caught you, pervert!" the cop shouts. "We don't like people exposing themselves around this town, especially wearing one of those!" 4 Glancing down, you realize what he is talking about. Your face flushes. 5 What is that?! 6 Next time, if you insist on wearing your "lubber" in public, you might at least zip your fly! 7 Suddenly, you have a warm feeling in the front of your pants. 8 It appears that the hooker gave you a little more than you bargained for! 9 You're no Trojan, Larry! 10 While life may be possible, to you it is no longer worth living. 11 You can't. The door is securely locked. 12 Lefty's closes at 3:00 a.m. 13 You won't be safe in there, Larry! 14 You rub your fingerprints into Lefty's window! 15 (You hope Lefty doesn't see you!) 16 Nah. Lefty would probably break both your legs! 17 You whistle loudly for a taxi. 18 You shout, "YO! TAXI!!" 19 You wouldn't touch that pole with a 10-foot pole! 20 You COULD tie yourself to the pole, but what would that accomplish? 21 "Take that, you mean old pole," you shout! 22 There's no way to climb up there from here. 23 "Hark, Juliet! What light from yonder window breaks? Be dat you up 'dere?" 24 (You were always weak at memorization!) 25 That's far too high for you to hurl anything, Larry! 26 Considering the looks of this place, you decide that next time you'd be better off to spend a little more money on your computer games! 27 "STOP, PERVERT!!!" shouts the cop. "I wonder who he's yelling at?" you think. 28 Amazed by your own cleverness, you lift the door mat and discover... 29 ...absolutely nothing! 30 (What did you expect? A key?) 31 Now that you're here, you decide you don't really want to look inside. 32 Lefty's wife, Linda, must have made her famous tuna casserole again!


0 Don't be so impatient, Larry. Wait until Lefty brings your order. 1 This is the sleaziest bar you've ever been in. 2 (And you've been in quite a few.) 3 Talk to someone in particular. 4 This place HAS no taste! 5 You feel a little light-headed. You are unsure if you'll be able to walk straight. 6 Boy, are you drunk! 7 Shaking your head, you finally clear away the cobwebs and are once again able to walk in your standard, studly style. 8 "...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." 9 "Har, har!!" 10 (So what was the setup to THAT punch line?) 11 You rap loudly on the Naugahyde door. 12 "Yeah. Whatsda passwoid?" 13 "Scram, dog breath!" 14 "Come on in!" 15 "That'll be $5.00, please." 16 "I'm presently a little short," you stammer. 17 "Yeah, and not just in the financial department, Dead-Beat!" he replies, "I'll teach you to try and stiff ol' Lefty! Come with me!" 18 You flip five bucks onto the counter. 19 Since you can only balance one open glass of whiskey at a time, you toss this one down immediately. 20 You don't drink the whiskey, but instead, decide to carry it with you wherever you go, precariously balanced in an open shot glass. 21 You delicately sip the wine until it's all gone. 22 You tell Lefty, "I find this impudent and sassy, with the slightest hint of impertinence." 23 He gazes at you longingly and moistens his lips! 24 You down the beer in your pseudo-macho style, and slam the mug back on the bar. 25 Suddenly you feel a little woozy. 26 This one tastes even better than the last. Don't you think one more seems like a good idea? 27 The whiskey burns its way down your throat. You vow to never again buy a "well" brand. 28 It's not good etiquette to drink standing up. 29 Ahhhh. 30 "It's about time!!" 31 Since your breath spray is now empty, you toss it away. 32 How can you do that from there? 33 True to form, you stick your finger in the coin return slot hoping to find some change. You don't. 34 Over the years, a few coin-operated machines have screwed you, but this is scarcely the time nor the place for you to seek revenge! 35 You slip a buck into the juke box, and search for a suitably sleazy selection. 36 It's not a good idea to pick a fight in a dive like this, Larry! 37 "Hey, buddy," you shout to the man at the end of the bar, "is this the only place in this town to find a little action?" 38 "Hardly," he snorts between belts, "ain'cha never heard o' taxicabs?" 39 Larry! That's a good way to get yourself killed in a place like this! 40 SLAP! 41 "Hi there, lovely leg!" you say casually. "My name's Larry; Larry Laffer." 42 "Who cares?" she replies sarcastically. "Stop bugging me, or I'll have my boyfriend take care of you when he gets back from the rest room!" 43 (Looks like you're operating at your standard level of charm, Larry.) 44 Yeah, Larry! Smart thinking. Why waste your precious time on small talk? 45 Larry, this girl's not interested in a manly man like you. Keep hunting. You'll find someone sooner or later.... 46 It's not a good idea to pick a fight in a place like this, Larry! 47 He has nothing to say, but says it continuously. 48 He's not bothering you now; leave him alone, you big bully! 49 "Cram it, clown!" you tell the bore on the stool next to you! 50 Larry! Put that thing away! 51 (Besides, he already has a date!) 52 "Excuse me," you say to the skinny man, "is by any chance your last name Sprat?" 53 "Buzz off, Jerk!" 54 He continues to concentrate on his overweight buddy, leaving you with nothing to do but find something else to do. 55 "Excuse me, buddy," you say to the overweight man, "but how many stools are under there?" 56 "Jer, er, buzz off, Jerk!" 57 He continues to concentrate on his underweight buddy, leaving you with nothing to do but find something else to do. 58 (Besides, it looks like he's already found a date!) 59 He appears to be perverted, twisted and sick! 60 (You instantly take a liking to him.) 61 Larry! Put that thing away! Lefty isn't interested in playing "match me for a drink" with you! 62 Why not sit down at the bar first? 63 Hold on; you haven't got your last order yet! 64 You greet the bartender with a friendly "Hullo." 65 "I'll have a glass of your fine, well whiskey!" you tell Lefty. 66 "May I please have a glass of your delicate white zinfandel, sir?" you ask Lefty. 67 Hey, was that your voice? 68 "Gimme a mug o' beer!" you order Lefty. 69 "I ain't sellin' no sissy drinks here," says Lefty. "Try again." 70 You mean to say you're playing "Leisure Suit Larry," and all you want is LIGHT beer?? 71 "Are you sure?" asks Lefty. "It'll cost ya $90.00!" 72 "I really want to, Mr. Lefty," you say, "but I just don't have 90 bucks!" 73 "Hey, everybody," cries Lefty, "Here comes a round from the last of the big time spenders!" 74 You pop $90.00 out on the bar in another unsuccessful attempt to buy friendship. 75 Try sitting at the bar; that usually gets Lefty's attention. 76 You don't have enough money! 77 "Double down on eleven." 78 "If you're short of money, you could always try gambling at the casino." 79 "If you're bored hanging around my place, try hailing a cab outside." 80 "Have you telephoned Sierra On-Line lately?" 81 "Guys tell me I need to clean my rest room walls." 82 "No, thanks," Lefty replies. "I don't drink." 83 It's just going around in circles... 84 your life. 85 Good idea! Sliced meat loaf, anyone? 86 When you decided to become a swinging guy, this wasn't exactly what you had in mind. 87 An eye peers back at you through the peephole in the door. 88 The peephole is tightly shut. 89 The peephole is locked from the inside. 90 Patience, Larry; patience! 91 "The password is: `Ken Sent Me'" you whisper through the open peephole. 92 You carefully whisper "Ken Sent Me" to the closed door. Why, you do not know. 93 The Naugahyde bounces the hammer back, grazing your scalp but slightly. 94 "Does the password have two syllables?" you ask the man on the other side of the peephole. 95 "At least," replies the voice through the door. 96 No one can hear you through the door. 97 Phew! 98 Geez, Larry, you MUST be drunk! Talking to a moose, indeed?! 99 "...'cause Thursday's your night in the barrel!" 100 "...just think of the money he saved!" 101 "...and there stood the pig and the cow!" 102 "...dammit Liza, doncha know ya own reflection?" 103 "...what's the matter, Honey? Ain't you got a vase?" 104 "...You idiot! I said POSSE!!" 105 "...nobody can eat THAT much ice cream!" 106 "...25 bucks, same as in town!" 107 "...a lotta guys just leave her hanging in a tree somewhere!"


0 "Wadda ya tryin' to do; make me a soprano??" 1 "Geeze! Them pointy-toed shoes hurt!" 2 You are in a dimly lit hallway. The paint peeling off the walls gives the cockroaches something to watch. An old table is pushed against the west wall. A filthy drunk wearing filthy clothes sits on the filthy floor, leaning his filthy back against the filthy wall. 3 "Hiya shhhhonny. How's 'bout you 'n' me havin' a lil' drink?" 4 "Jeeezz! Somethin' die in there??" 5 Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. 6 "Shhaay, thanksh buddy! How 'bout sshhom'ore?" 7 Slurp! "Ahhhh! That did hit the ol' spot!" 8 "Ya know, ya mus' be ma only frien' in the whole world! Shhoooo, I'm gonna give ya my only posshhess... hhic! 9 " only posshhess... hhic! 10 "Oh well, since you're leavin' anyway, jes' forgit it." 11 "...all I got in the world." 12 "Besides, what'sha guy like me need witta television remote control!?" 13 Thoughts of romance are awakened as the scent of the red rose reaches your nostrils. 14 He's a poor little lamb, who has lost his way... 15 ...and also his bladder control! 16 You take pity on the poor drunk and want to help him, but his odor convinces you otherwise. 17 You reel back as the putrid stench of the unfortunate assails your senses. 18 He responds, "Shhay, buddy, thanx for da dollar. Butcha know, whad I could really usshh is a good, sshhtiff belt!" 19 "Hey, waddaya think, I got no class?" mumbles the drunk. "I'm a whiskey drinker, pure and simple!" 20 "Know what time it is?" you ask the drunk. 21 "Time for you t' buy me a drink!" he responds. 22 "Here, have a shot of this!" you tell the drunk. 23 "Whadt?" he replies, "and ruin my edge?" 24 "It'ssh lovely, but I don't know you well enough to get engagshed!" 25 He's a drunk, Larry; there's only one thing he wants. 26 You can't drink what's in THOSE barrels! 27 You have no use for such a lovely table. 28 You can't reach that high.


0 Carefully finishing your duties, you wipe and toss the newspaper behind the toilet for the next user. 1 You are in Lefty's one and only restroom. The stench is overpowering, there is graffiti on the walls, and you doubt that the sink was clean even when it was installed. Even roaches can't survive in this place! 2 Water drips merrily down the drain in Lefty's lovely sink. 3 You grab an ancient copy of the "Ball Street Journal," and settle in to "sit and think!" 4 You feel a great relief! 5 What's that aroma? 6 Ahhhhhhh. 7 "Hey, you missed the toilet!" 8 Realizing your mistake, you quickly jiggle the handle, attempting to stem the onrushing tide of water. 9 It doesn't work. 10 Your life passes before your eyes. 11 (You doze briefly.) 12 You feel flushed! 13 Sometimes good manners are a bad idea, eh, Larry? 14 Got it! You briefly consider an attempt to find the ring's owner, but return to your normal self and pocket it instead. 15 Why, look! Some woman removed her diamond ring to wash her hands, and forgot to take it with her. 16 A small, neatly lettered sign reminds you: "Since we can't clean up after every customer, please rinse out this sink when you are finished." 17 (Evidently, you are the first customer who can read.) 18 NOW?? 19 You briefly consider yodeling in the stagnant water. 20 It would help, but not much. 21 You dip your wallet into the slimy bowl just for the feeling you get when you slide it back in your pocket! 22 My, my. Aren't we the little sick-o! 23 You quickly wash your hands, then realize there are no paper towels. 24 You quickly memorize some of the graffiti. 25 Lefty's restroom wall is filled with clever reading material; enough for you to read for a long, long time. 26 "Scott me up, Beamie!" 27 "Attention arcade game players: please don't eat the urinal cakes!" 28 "It takes leather balls to play rugby!" 29 Say, here's an interesting one: "The password is: `Ken sent me.'" 30 You decide to write it down and take it with you wherever you go. A guy never knows when a good password will come in handy! 31 Lefty must be running low on air freshener.


0 "Hey, dude! Outta da way ah da teevee!!" 1 The pimp growls, "You gots no bizness goin' up dese stairs, little man!" 2 "Pretty sweet stuff, eh, boy?" laughs the pimp. 3 The bar's storage room is almost empty. Its most significant feature is that big, mean-looking dude %s. 4 You aim your remote control at the pimp's TV and click the power switch. 5 You aim your remote control at the TV and click the channel selector. 6 Another boring %s 7 The pimp seems vaguely interested in this program%s 8 Well, well, Larry! It appears you've finally reached the pimp's cultural level. 9 The pimp ignores you. He's "totally engrossed" in something else right now. 10 What? You want to pick a fight with the pimp? He's far too big, and you're far too wimpy. 11 "HEY! Waddayou crazy?!" 12 He smells of wet fur. 13 "If ya wanna go upstairs," he says in his scholarly voice, "ya gotta pays da price!" 14 "$200.00, cash up front, no refunds." 15 (He certainly has a pleasing manner about him.) 16 There is no need to pay the pimp; he's pleasantly distracted. Help yourself! 17 You'd love to pay the pimp his $200.00, but you just don't have enough money. 18 "Thanks," he growls. "Remember, no refunds!" 19 "You mus' really like that stuff, eh, boy?" 20 "Have a nice lay." 21 The remote control's operation is far too sophisticated for his mental capabilities. 22 Save your ring in case you find your "true love," Larry! 23 You'd never be able to tie his up with that ribbon, Larry. 24 The pimp is far too big for you to attack, even using your hammer as a weapon. 25 (Besides, you're a lover, not a fighter!) 26 The pimp is far too big for you to attack, even using that pocket knife for a weapon. 27 (Besides, you're a lover, not a fighter! 28 The pimp isn't interested in %s. He prefers money. 29 It is not wise to fondle a moose! 30 Jeez, Larry! Who has the bigger antlers, you or the moose?! 31 "How's Rocky?" you ask. 32 (There is no reply.) 33 It smells like an old moosehide--because it IS an old moose's hide! 34 Sorry, Larry! Wrong kind of tail! 35 "Yeah? Wadd's da passwoid?" you say to the peephole in the door. 36 You love playing the part of the pimp in these little fantasies of yours, don't you? 37 Get your mind back on the game, Larry! 38 The television screen is blank; much like the pimp's mind. 39 The television set's knobs are broken off. There's no way to turn it off or on, or even change channels. 40 The remote control seems ineffectual from this angle. 41 Nah. He's having a good time! 42 You briefly consider stacking all the boxes into a perilous tower, then dangerously climbing up them inch by inch to reach the top of the staircase, avoiding the pimp and making your way to the hooker that waits above. 43 Then you remember how clumsy you really are and decide you'd rather find a casino and gamble. 44 You can't drink from these barrels; they're empty. 45 It smells of stale malt and barley.


0 "Hey, dude! Outta da way ah da teevee!!" 1 The pimp growls, "You gots no bizness goin' up dese stairs, little man!" 2 "Pretty sweet stuff, eh, boy?" laughs the pimp. 3 The bar's storage room is almost empty. Its most significant feature is that big, mean-looking dude %s. 4 You aim your remote control at the pimp's TV and click the power switch. 5 You aim your remote control at the TV and click the channel selector. 6 Another boring %s 7 The pimp seems vaguely interested in this program%s 8 Well, well, Larry! It appears you've finally reached the pimp's cultural level. 9 The pimp ignores you. He's "totally engrossed" in something else right now. 10 What? You want to pick a fight with the pimp? He's far too big, and you're far too wimpy. 11 "HEY! Waddayou crazy?!" 12 He smells of wet fur. 13 "If ya wanna go upstairs," he says in his scholarly voice, "ya gotta pays da price!" 14 "$200.00, cash up front, no refunds." 15 (He certainly has a pleasing manner about him.) 16 There is no need to pay the pimp; he's pleasantly distracted. Help yourself! 17 You'd love to pay the pimp his $200.00, but you just don't have enough money. 18 "Thanks," he growls. "Remember, no refunds!" 19 "You mus' really like that stuff, eh, boy?" 20 "Have a nice lay." 21 The remote control's operation is far too sophisticated for his mental capabilities. 22 Save your ring in case you find your "true love," Larry! 23 You'd never be able to tie his up with that ribbon, Larry. 24 The pimp is far too big for you to attack, even using your hammer as a weapon. 25 (Besides, you're a lover, not a fighter!) 26 The pimp is far too big for you to attack, even using that pocket knife for a weapon. 27 (Besides, you're a lover, not a fighter! 28 The pimp isn't interested in %s. He prefers money. 29 It is not wise to fondle a moose! 30 Jeez, Larry! Who has the bigger antlers, you or the moose?! 31 "How's Rocky?" you ask. 32 (There is no reply.) 33 It smells like an old moosehide--because it IS an old moose's hide! 34 Sorry, Larry! Wrong kind of tail! 35 "Yeah? Wadd's da passwoid?" you say to the peephole in the door. 36 You love playing the part of the pimp in these little fantasies of yours, don't you? 37 Get your mind back on the game, Larry! 38 The television screen is blank; much like the pimp's mind. 39 The television set's knobs are broken off. There's no way to turn it off or on, or even change channels. 40 The remote control seems ineffectual from this angle. 41 Nah. He's having a good time! 42 You briefly consider stacking all the boxes into a perilous tower, then dangerously climbing up them inch by inch to reach the top of the staircase, avoiding the pimp and making your way to the hooker that waits above. 43 Then you remember how clumsy you really are and decide you'd rather find a casino and gamble. 44 You can't drink from these barrels; they're empty. 45 It smells of stale malt and barley.


0 "Oh, John." "Oh, Marsha." "OH, John." "OH, Marsha." "Oh, JOHN!" "Oh, MARSHA!" "OH, JOHN!!" "OH, MARSHA!!" 1 soap opera. 2 "Hello, friend, this is your ol' buddy Tom Bidet for Motel-69. If you're driving down the highway of life towards ol' Lost Wages and Mr. Sleepy's sitting up on the dashboard throwing dust in your eyes..." 3 commercial. 4 "...and now, ALoHa Productions is proud to present `The Revenge of the Software Developers' in full color and stereo sound..." 5 musical comedy. 6 "...while Jim is fighting for his life with the raging female rhinoceros in heat, I'll slip into my tent with the native girl and this pitcher of Mai Tais..." 7 documentary. 8 "'s a beautiful day in the neighbor..." 9 No, no!! Anything but that! 10 " from Malaga, California, it's the Cable Sports Network presentation of the Miniature Female Mud Wrestlers 500-Kilometer Cross-Country Nude Bicycle Race..." 11 cable sports show. 12 "...And next, Master Piece Theatre presents a special 3-D broadcast of `Naugahyde Goddesses of Oakhurst!'" 13 educational show. 14 "...oh, baby, yeah. Yeah, I love it when you do that! Ooooooooooh!! That hurts so good, pull it out a little deeper!!!" 15 nothing


0 Until now, you were unsure of how a "professional," would look. 1 Now you know. 2 (You were happier before!) 3 "This is your favorite part, ain' it, Honey?" 4 "Nice mandibles," you offer. 5 "You don' think I'm saggy?" she replies, no Rhodes scholar. 6 She says, "Sorry, Mister, but all you gets is `Straight Ahead' wit' me." 7 Sniffing the air, you're suddenly hungry for tuna. 8 You are in the hooker's seedy bedroom. The room's a mess, ditto the hooker! 9 Your ribbon is not long enough to reach outside. 10 "Come on, my big stud-muffin! Come to Mama!" 11 You're really proud of your man-like chest. 12 Good idea. You carefully remove your lubber and dispose of it in a way that will not be described here. 13 Not again! A guy can only take so much!! 14 You already are wearing your "lubber." 15 Now's a great time to think of that! A little late now, isn't it, Larry? 16 With your pants still on? 17 With all your clothes on? 18 Yep! This would be a perfect time! Your Surgeon General is proud! 19 Ahh. That feels better. 20 "Jeez, Mister!" cries the hooker, "What've you been eating? Buffalo chips???" 21 She certainly seems to enjoy that gum. 22 Although successful, you feel less than satisfied. Technically speaking, you're no longer a virgin, but for some reason, the thrill just wasn't there. You vow to continue your quest until you please your heart, not just your other organs! 23 It's a good thing you were wearing your raincoat! 24 She seems more interested in that cigarette than she was in you. 25 NOW!? You've come this far, Larry; now's the time to do more than just look! 26 "Was it good for you, baby?" you ask her. 27 "Was what good?" she replies. 28 "So," she snarls, "you just gonna stand there, or what?" 29 From here, her perfume smells cheap and overpowering. 30 (Also from the next county, you suppose!) 31 "I don' need dat, Honey. Didn't ju pay downstairs?" 32 "Dat's right, Honey," she gums, "yore time's runnin' out." 33 "No commitments, Honey. This is a biz'nus deal!" 34 "You jes' gonna stand there and play with your li'l remote?" 35 "Yeah, them's a good idea. Lemme see that'n. Well, how 'bout dat! I didn't know they came in `Extra Small!'" 36 "Naw, Nuggie, none for me. But I jes' had me a john that gimme a box a' candy jus' like that'n." 37 "Why waste yore time at the disco? We kin do the horizontal bop right here!" 38 "Honey, dinner an' drinks ain' necessary here!" 39 "I've seen better!" 40 "I hardly need extrinsic motivation!" 41 "No S. and M. here, buddy!" 42 "Honey, you don' need no knife. You can assault me with YORE deadly weapon!" 43 "He did? Ain't he the sweetest? He's always sendin' me bizness!" 44 "Say, Honey-chil', whacha come up here for--bartering?" 45 NOW!? 46 What smoldering eyes! 47 Look out! It's the "Jaws of Life!" 48 It's a really ugly table. 49 There is a box of candy on the hooker's table. Probably a gift from some admirer, you suppose. 50 You can't take her table. She's nailed it to the floor. 51 Although you would look precious in that little white lace number, you're just not that kind of guy! 52 The hooker's underwear are not of the edible variety. 53 The bed smells of stale cigarette smoke. 54 The clothesline is barely strong enough to hold its present light load. Besides, if you take it, her underwear would fall down. 55 (And you know how em-bare-assing THAT would be!) 56 Although the pocket knife is sharp enough, you have no need to hassle this poor girl. 57 You have no use for cigarette butts. 58 Yeah, Larry! You should be so lucky! 59 To you, they taste slightly salty. 60 "Is that all you came up those stairs for, Honey? To cop a little feel?" 61 "Mmmmmbbbblllemmm," you mumble, imagining your face buried in that valley. 62 "Is that all you want to do, Honey?" she asks. 63 "Hey, baby," she groans, "none o' dat. `Straight ahead' is all you get!" 64 You recognize that cologne: "Eau de Toilette Cie't!" 65 Get your hand out of the crack! 66 You can't imagine putting your tongue in THAT crack! 67 No, there's no chewing gum losing its flavor on THAT bedpost.


0 It's a nice little alley, with a trash bin, two windows, a fire escape, a fence, and whoa, look there! There's something sitting in that window to the right! 1 It's a nice little alley, with a trash bin, two windows, a fire escape and a fence. 2 It's not long enough to reach anywhere, but you might want to use it for safety purposes. 3 You're already all tied up! 4 Hey! Where are you? 5 After a careful analysis of your surroundings, you conclude you are at the bottom of a pile of garbage! 6 "YUCK!!" 7 Willing to do anything to further tonight's goal, you dive into the dirty dumpster. 8 Digging past innumerable limp celery stalks from this morning's bloody marys, you find Lefty's hammer, wipe it off as much as you can, and stuff it into your pants pocket. 9 You carefully tie the ribbon from your "nuptial bed" around your waist. 10 You carefully tie the ribbon from your "nuptial bed" around the railing. 11 With the coy pink ribbon rather insecurely holding you to the railing, you can reach all the way over to the window. 12 NOW, of all times, you notice the window's locked! 13 Whew! You're glad to be back to the relative safety of the fire escape! 14 Subtly, you smash the window with your left-handed hammer in your right hand. Your fears were unfounded; it seems to work either way. Your future as a second-story man now seems quite plausible! 15 You lean far out over the railing before remembering that agility is yet another of your short suits! 16 "Hey, guys!! He's screwed up again! Dump this body down the tubes, and get him another one!" 17 You got 'em! But what in the heck are they? 18 There is an old neon sign hanging on the wall that says "Hotel"... 19 ...approximately. 20 That's all you need: electricity coursing through your hand! 21 Amidst assorted, odoriferous refuse from Lefty's clientele, you discover Lefty's old, left-handed hammer lying in the bottom of the dumpster, covered with trash. 22 There's nothing else here worth describing, let alone taking. 23 Unfortunately, you can't see much from out here. 24 You reconsider after noticing the trash bin is behind where you would fall! 25 You'd never hit the dumpster from here. You can't even hit the barn side of a broad! 26 That's not the sort of banging you were hoping for tonight! 27 Now the dumpster smells like garbage in the North Woods! 28 As much as you love money, you can't bear the thought of throwing it away! 29 Good idea, you properly dispose of your "lubber." You're mother would be proud. 30 "I'll probably never use one of these things anyway," you shout, tossing it into the dumpster. 31 Believing %s will be of no further use, you toss it into the dumpster, never to be seen again! 32 You cleverly take nothing, and throw nothing away. 33 You are on a fire escape. A rusty ladder is at one end. To the right of the fire escape another window waits, just barely out of your reach. 34 Try moving to the west end of the fire escape. 35 There's no way to reach the ladder from down here. It's only accessible from above. 36 You already ARE tied to the railing. 37 You'll be better off if you leave the ribbon exactly where it is. 38 Good idea. But first, tie the ribbon to yourself. 39 It's not long enough to reach from here. 40 (Of course, you've heard THAT line before!) 41 Looking inside the left window, you see the room you just left. 42 There are two windows high above you. The left window near the fire escape has a dim yellow glow; the other window is dark. There may be something on the sill of the dark window, but you can't quite make it out from way down here. 43 You're currently all tied up! 44 There's just no way to reach the windows from here. They're only accessible from above. 45 The window is already open. There's no use in breaking it! 46 There's no use throwing the hammer up there. 47 (Besides, you probably just miss the window any way!) 48 Looking at the dark window, you notice a bottle of pills sitting on the window ledge. 49 There may be something in the east window, but from here, you're not sure. 50 You broke it, didn't you? 51 There's no way to reach the window from here. 52 You consider sticking your hand through a solid glass window, but realize that if you did, you wouldn't be able to play the violin. 53 (Of course, you can't play the violin now, but you get the idea.) 54 You already took the pills. Why go through all this again? 55 You already smashed the window. Why do it again? 56 You might try reaching over to the window first. 57 You could never pry that window open with your pocket knife. 58 That's an idea; it's just not a good idea! 59 The fence is much too tall for you to climb over. 60 Unfortunately the lid on the trash bin just will not close. 61 Smart move, Larry!


0 A sense of foreboding washes over your heart when your eyes slowly examine this dark alley that seems to be just outside every public area in Lost Wages. Is that just another kindly citizen or a vicious mugger quickly approaching you? 1 Larry, when are you gonna learn to stay out of these dark alleys!! 2 "Hey, guys!! He's screwed up again! Dump this one down the tubes, and get him another body!" 3 "Pardon me, buddy," you say, "do you have any spare change?" 4 (He seems unamused!) 5 "Hey, you!" you challenge, "come over here and fight like a man!" 6 (Dumb idea, Larry!) 7 Your attempt to frighten the mugger fails. 8 Phew! 9 There's only one thing he wants, Larry: everything!


0 (Now you know what we have to go through every time you press "Restart!")


0 You wonder if cab companies have full-time employees whose sole job is to make these floors sticky. 1 "Sorry, Mac, but my meter's runnin'. Where didja wanna go?" 2 "Waddaya tryin' to do, peahead! You're not gonna stiff me, and get away with it! Step outside, Deadbeat!!" 3 Whew! You're glad to get out of here. 4 "So, wadda we gonna do, buddy? Ya just gonna sit here all night? Some guys gotta earn a livin', ya know!" 5 "So? Ya gonna pay up? Or does I have ta get rough wit' cha??" 6 "So? Ya gonna get outta my cab or not? Thanks for da business, but I didn't want ta make no career outta this!" 7 The cabbie snarls a "Where to, buddy?" as he starts the meter rolling. 8 "Well, here we are, buddy. That'll be $%d.00." 9 "Thanks, buddy. Maybe I'll see ya again sometime!" 10 The driver looks at you and says, "Hey! What's that you got in your coat there? Is that wine?" 11 Before you can move, the cabbie grabs your precious box of wine and guzzles it all down! Ohmigawd, Larry, hang on!! 12 Brace yourself, Larry. He's swerving all over the road! 13 It seems a bridge abutment has brought your evening in Lost Wages to a sudden, final, and complete halt! 14 No air bag, eh? 15 Remember, Larry: "Friends don't let cabbies drive drunk!" 16 You wish you hadn't. Mr. America this guy ain't. His strongest feature is his aroma! 17 The cabbie wonders why you keep looking at him, but in the mirror he flashes you a coy little smile and a knowing wink. 18 (Your stomach turns, and not from the ride!) 19 You can't reach the cabbie from your seat. Why not talk to him? 20 Yuck! Your stomach turns at the thought. 21 This cab smells terrible! 22 "We're there already; just sit tight, willya, Buddy?" 23 You ask the cabbie, "Where's the action?" 24 "Lookin' for action, eh? Dis town is really full of it. We gotta disco full of foxes this time of night. Den dere's the casino, next to the all-night weddin' chapel. And we gotta lovely bar, but you've already been dere. Me, I like da convenience store next to da disco, but of course, that's just personal preference." 25 "Ok. You got it, Mac!" 26 "It won't take us long to get back dere, but I'll have to circle 'round da block." 27 "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Driver," you say, "but I think I may wish to change my mind about my destination this evening. Would that be all right with you?" 28 "Geez, some guys jes' can't make up der minds!" 29 "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Driver," you say, "but I think I may wish to change my mind yet again about my destination this evening. Would that be too much trouble?" 30 "Nah, ya changed your min' already! I ain' gonna spen' all night driving you in circles! Next time, figgur out where ya wanna go before ya gets in da cab!" 31 Sheepishly, you apologize to the cabbie for not carrying enough money to pay for the ride. 32 "Waddaya mean, `no money!!'" snarls the driver. "Step outsid'a ma office, chump!" 33 "I appreciate your offer of a tip, but it's against my personal philosophy to accept gratuities!" 34 "Why don'cha jes' wait'll we git there, buddy?" 35 You quietly and carefully spritz a little spray around, vainly trying to kill some of this odor! 36 "Nah, fruit gives me gas!" he grunts. 37 "Hey, hurry up," you cry, "can't you see it's getting late?!" 38 "Time waits for no man!" he replies cryptically. 39 "I got no use for a diamond ring," shouts the cabbie, "especially one wit a stone like dat! Dat sucker sure looks fake to me!" 40 "No, thanks, buddy," replies the cabbie, "but have you got any wine?" 41 "What's that, a tricorder?" he asks. "Don't tell me you're one of dem science fiction freaks?" 42 "Well, ain't chu all growed up!" 43 "Thanks, buddy," says the cabbie, as he grabs your box of candy and proceeds to gobble down every piece! 44 (Bad move, Larry! You feel certain you're going to meet someone someday who would really enjoy a piece!) 45 "No, I don't want to go dancin' with you later," says the cabbie. 46 "Not HIM again! Geez, does that guy get around. And I DO mean around!" 47 The air in here IS thick enough to cut! 48 "No, thanks," says the cabbie, "I gotta subscription!" 49 Don't hit the cabbie's head with your hammer; you might hurt it. 50 (The hammer, that is!) 51 "Hey, thanks!" he cries. "One of those and I'll be stuck in fifth gear all night." 52 (Good idea, Larry! After all you had to go through to get those pills!) 53 "Wat a coinci-dince! I wuz jes talkin' 'bout ribbon like dat with dis stacked babe fare I hadda little while ago. She wuz tellin' me 'bout how she tied up some dumb dweeb and took all his dough. Boy, did we have a good laugh at that one! You shouldda been here!!" 54 (Somehow you feel you were!) 55 "Here, take this!" you offer. 56 "Nah, I got no need for that!" he replies. 57 You scratch your head in amazement at the way this cab can still operate with such severe rear wheel camber! 58 "Talkin' to yourself, eh?" smirks the cabbie. "A guy in a job like this runs into lots o' weirdos!" 59 Leave yourself alone, Larry! 60 It seems to be running a little fast, but then, this is an expensive town! 61 You don't really want to steal his license plate! 62 You don't have the key to the trunk.


0 $%d 1 The numbers at the top of the video blackjack machine indicate the size of your current bet and the total amount of credit you have in the machine. 2 For help, just look at the various buttons. 3 "Come on, dammit, pay off!" 4 Click on a button instead of where you just clicked. 5 "Screw you, machine!" you shout, never one to be intimidated by mere machinery. 6 You gently kiss your machine to bring good luck. 7 You carefully slip the pocketknife into the hole in the back of the machine, twist the odds screw, and hope no one saw you. 8 Good idea! You smash the video blackjack machine with your hammer, causing hundreds of dollars to spill out, which you gladly catch and put in your pockets. 9 Bad idea! The security guard handles you indelicately as he escorts you to the local jail! 10 ...maybe with good behavior? 11 Next time, Larry, be a little more careful with the equipment! 12 $%d 13 Congratulations, Larry! You've broken the house limit. 14 Please wait until this hand is over. 15 You bet zero dollars, receive zero cards, and win zero dollars and zero cents. 16 You can play all night like this! 17 You can't bet more than you have. 18 You have Blackjack! 19 Unfortunately, so does the dealer, so this hand is a push. 20 The dealer has Blackjack! 21 Your first hand has Blackjack! 22 Your split hand has Blackjack! 23 First, click on Deal to start a new hand. 24 You busted. 25 You busted! 26 Your first hand busted. 27 You have six cards whose total is not over 21! 28 Your split hand busted! 29 Your split hand has six cards! 30 The dealer busted! 31 It's a push. 32 Your first hand wins! 33 Your split hand wins! 34 Your first hand is a push. 35 The dealer's hand beats your first hand. 36 Your first hand loses. 37 Your split hand is a push. 38 The dealer beats your split hand. 39 Your split hand loses. 40 You win $%d. 41 The dealer wins! 42 You must wait until this hand is over. 43 This machine has a $10,000.00 limit. 44 You don't have any more money! 45 46 You must bet more than that! 47 Please bet an even number of dollars (2, 4, 6, etc.). This machine doesn't pay half-dollars. 48 Wait until this hand is over. 49 The minimum bet in this machine is $%d.00. 50 You're a little short of funds at the moment, Larry. 51 There's a limit of one split per screen! 52 You may only double when your hand contains two cards totaling 10 or 11. 53 You surrender your cards and are refunded half of your bet. 54 It's too late now! 55 This machine has a $10.00 minimum bet and a $10,000.00 limit. Bets must be a multiple of $2.00. Dealer must hit 16, and must stand on 17, unless he has an ace. Blackjack pays 3 to 2 odds. Any six cards under 22 wins. 56 Insurance bets are offered whenever the dealer shows an ace. They are half your bet, and pay 2 to 1 odds. You may split a pair or surrender whenever you have only two cards. You may double down if your cards total 10 or 11 points. 57 This machine only contains $10,000.00; trust us, we'll mail you the rest. 58 You pocket your $%d.00 from the tray and wish you had won more. 59 Do you want insurance?


0 %d 1 %5d 2 The numbers at the top of the slot machine indicate the size of your current bet and the total amount of credit you have in the machine. 3 For help, just Look at the various buttons. 4 "Come on, dammit, loosen up or I'll find another machine that will!" 5 Click on a button instead of where you just clicked. 6 Careful or you'll jam the coin slot! 7 You gently kiss your machine to bring good luck. 8 You carefully slip the pocketknife into that special little hole in the back of every slot machine, twist the odds screw, and hope no one saw you. 9 Now you'll SURELY get lucky, Larry! 10 Wildly wielding your left-handed hammer, you smash the slot machine into a zillion pieces. "Why, of course no one here at the casino will care," you think. 11 (You think wrong!) 12 You animal! 13 That's one way to "beat the slots," Larry! Next time, be gentle with her! 14 Congratulations, Larry! You have broken the house limit. 15 This machine only contains $10,000.00; trust us, we'll mail you the rest. 16 You don't have enough money! 17 You insert zero dollars, and pretend to push the button. 18 You win zero dollars! 19 (You are so easily amused!) 20 21 This machine has a $10,000.00 limit. 22 You don't have any more money! 23 This machine's minimum bet is $%d.00. 24 You can't bet less than $%d.00. 25 PAYOFF RESULTS 1 Cherry 2 Cherry Cherry 4 Cherry Cherry Cherry 2 Bell Bell 4 Bell Bell Bell 3 Seven Seven 5 Seven Seven Seven 7 Bar Bar Bar


0 "Apples. Apples! APPLES for sale!!" 1 "Hello, sir," says the skinny young man in the barrel. "Would you help out a poor unfortunate by purchasing an apple? The price is reasonable: only $%d.00." 2 "Hey, come back!" says the man. "Are you sure you don't want to buy an apple?" 3 "I presume that means `No,'" he says pleasantly. "Very well then, perhaps some other time." 4 "Wow! Thanks a lot, Mister!" shouts the poor misfortunate, "I'll gladly trade you an apple for a diamond ring!" 5 "But don't you think you might have needed this later?" 6 "You know," says the man, peering deep into his barrel, "I'm all out! But thank you for your continued support. And for the $%d.00!" 7 "Thank you, sir," says the skinny young man in the barrel. "For helping out a poor unfortunate by purchasing an apple at a reasonable $%d.00." 8 "If you have any other jewelry you'd like to swap, be sure to let me know!" 9 "Please call again, whenever you are in the neighborhood," says the man. And with that, he walks away into the night. 10 "You know, I'm a little short of funds myself," you say to the man in the barrel. "Perhaps next time, ok?" 11 He says nothing, but walks away dejectedly into the Lost Wages night. 12 Peering down inside the poor man's barrel you say, "Wow! You really did lose everything!" 13 "Oh no, you don't!" exclaims the man. "Keep your hands out of my barrel!" 14 Why don't you catch him next time around, Larry? 15 "No, thanks," he says, "I'm broke, not odiferous!" 16 "I don't want that thing back!" 17 "No, thanks, I don't drink!" 18 "Sweet, but I'm busted! What do I need with a rose?" 19 "I'm selling apples, not cucumbers!" 20 "I can't afford to buy a drink in THAT place!" 21 "What do you think? I want to slash my wrists?" 22 "No, thanks, Mister. I deal in cash only." 23 You take a swing at the apple salesman, but miss. 24 (You never were any good at hack-and-slash games!) 25 "Sorry," replies the apple salesman to your generous offer, "but I'm broke, not stupid!" 26 He's yet another poor soul who donated his everything so the shrine of Lost Wages could continue to flourish. 27 "Hey, Buddy," you joke. "How's your Pippin?" 28 He mutters under his breath, "(10,000 comedians out of work in this town...)" 29 "Sorry, buddy, but this is MY night in the barrel!" 30 He smells of decomposed apple cores and fresh pork rind. 31 Isn't it funny how every time you reach out to touch these doors, they open? 32 That water sure is deep. 33 Use the restroom at Lefty's instead. 34 The water tastes rather metallic and a little acidic. 35 The plant feels like someone spit apple juice on it earlier! 36 Do you think talking to artificial plants will make them grow? 37 You can't reach that sign from down here! 38 You can't reach the lights. 39 You and the sculpture have absolutely no common interests. 40 It feels like metal. 41 Jeez, Larry; take a cold shower or something! 42 It tastes rather metallic.


0 You are in the casino. There are slot machines on the right, and video blackjack machines on the left. This place is a gambler's paradise! 1 They appear to be having a great time. Perhaps you'd like to join them? 2 Don't interrupt them; they're trying to win. 3 You insert your $%d into the machine and brace yourself for an invigorating round of electronic blackjack. 4 Sorry, Larry. You've already made the big bucks. 5 You slip all of your money into the slot machine and settle in for a few relaxing minutes with your one-armed bandit.


0 A sign off in the corner reads, "Welcome to The Lizard Lounge." 1 It looks like a great place to be from. 2 (You wonder where they keep the lizards.) 3 You toss the rose on the stage. It falls where you will not be able to retrieve it. 4 "Bravo. Bravo!" you cry. 5 "Thank you, thank you!" the comedian responds to your applause. 6 The girls' smiles beam at your applause! 7 "Well, that's all I know, folks," the comic says. "Come back for the next show, and you can hear 'em all again!" 8 "And, now, ladi... uh, gentleman," announces the comic, "we're proud to present the Magic portion of our act." 9 "Let me pick someone at random from our audience..." 10 "How about you," he says looking directly at you. "Would you like to participate in a little experiment in telepathy?" 11 (Of course he's looking at you! You're the only one here!) 12 You're game, so you answer, "Sure." 13 "Great! Now Paul, my drummer and musical conductor for lo these many years, will read your mind," says the comic. "Come on, Paul, show him your stuff!" 14 "I want you to concentrate on your billfold," Paul says. "Clear your mind, and think solely about the contents of your wallet." 15 Since clearing your mind is no problem for you, Larry, you do so easily. 16 "I'm getting a message... I see something..." 17 "I've GOT IT!" he exclaims. "If you open your billfold you'll discover some wrinkled business cards, lots of notes, some credit cards (which won't work in this game), and exactly $%d.00 in cash!!" 18 "Ladi... uh, GENTLEMAN!" shouts the comic. "PAUL THE MAGNIFICENT has done it again!!" 19 Just to make sure, you take out your wallet and look inside... 20 At least the comic's whoopee cushion doesn't smell! 21 You shout to the comedian, "This ain't funny!" 22 The comedian retorts, "But you are!!" 23 You whistle loudly at the comic. 24 "Hey, buddy, will ya hold it down?" says the comic. "I'm tryin' to earn a living up here!" 25 It's a living. 26 Upon closer examination, you discover these dancers may not be the "girls" you thought they were! 27 You whistle loudly at the girls. 28 You're not sure, but you suppose they enjoy it. 29 Right, sure! As if it would reach from way down here! 30 The stage is only there as a "supporting" cast member! 31 Stay off the stage, Larry. You're no star! 32 You wonder who invented that little plastic net surrounding the candle's glass. 33 And, how come it doesn't melt? 34 You briefly hold your hand right above the candle flame, then reconsider as your hand begins to blister. 35 As you are about to sit down in that chair, you notice a small sign on the table that reads, "Reserved." 36 You already are sitting. 37 "I told my doctor my sex life was boring. He said `You need to add the element of surprise. Go right home this afternoon, grab your wife, and immediately make love to her, no matter what she's doing.' So I did!" 38 "It was still the same old boring crap, but her bridge club got a tremendous kick out of it!!" 39 "You know how I can tell when my wife has an orgasm?" 40 "She drops her nail file!!" 41 "My wife is so ugly..." 42 "How ugly is she?" you shout. 43 "...the picture of her in my wallet is an X-ray!" 44 "I told my psychiatrist `Nobody pays any attention to me.'" 45 "He looks at me and says, `When did you get here?'" 46 "Didja hear about the clumsy female lawyer?" 47 "She dropped her briefs!" 48 "A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor says, `May I help you?'" 49 "The frog says, `Yeah, Doc. Could you take this wart off my ass?'" 50 "Did you hear about the new, chocolate-flavored, contraceptive, breakfast drink?" 51 "It's called Ovumteen." 52 "My secretary is not only horny, she's ambitious. Today she asked me for a salary on next week's advance." 53 "Down the street there's a new, live, gay, sex show." 54 "It's called `Anus and Andy.'" 55 "Have ya seen the new R-rated movie about midgets? It features full runtal nudity." 56 "My uncle is a hit man for the Mob. What a great job! He only goes to work when it's time to knock off." 57 "When I got married I asked my bride, `Do you perform fellatio?'" 58 "She said, `I dunno. I guess it depends on the fella!'" 59 "Have you seen the impotent flasher in front of the wedding chapel next door?" 60 "We call him our `public futility.'" 61 "I hear the pimp at Lefty's won't let his girls perform oral sex." 62 "They call him the `Headless Whoresman.'" 63 "What do lesbians like most about their kind of sex?" 64 "Tastes great." 65 "Less filling." 66 "Tastes great!" 67 "Less filling!" 68 "Why don't sharks attack divorce lawyers?" 69 "Professional courtesy." 70 "My wife and I have a new system: if she wants sex, she reaches over and strokes me once." 71 "If she doesn't, she reaches over and strokes me 300 times." 72 "My son just got kicked out of his co-ed college boarding house. 73 "He got caught spreading roomers." 74 "My daughter came home from school today and tells me, `Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin.'" 75 "I said, `Who wants a fluffy martini?'" 76 "The shop teacher asked the high school girl if she knew the difference between a screw, a nail and a bolt. She told him she'd never been bolted." 77 "Have you heard about the new urologist's training film?" 78 "It's called, `E.T., the Extra Testicle.'" 79 "Have you heard about the new film about marching band musicians?" 80 "It's called, `Desperately Seeking Sousa.'" 81 "My son has a problem with compulsive masturbation. His psychiatrist says he's gone completely wacky." 82 "My grandpa the farmer, finally got himself one of those latex ladies. I heard him singing about it the other day: `The farmer in the doll, the farmer in the doll...'" 83 "Our local inventor just came up with a new, vibrating tampon." 84 "He says if women have to be miserable once a month, they might as well enjoy it." 85 "My wife just loves going to the movies to watch teenagers get laid for the first time." 86 "Sometimes, she even watches the screen!" 87 "I asked my wife, `How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?'" 88 "She replied, `Because you're never around!'" 89 "My wife just loves to experiment. Last week she mixed speed with her Midol." 90 "She had a period six times in one day!" 91 "My wife is a lot like Halley's Comet." 92 "They both come about every 76 years!" 93 "My son is becoming a real computer whiz!" 94 "His teacher called him a `master byter.'" 95 "My uncle the inventor crossed a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean." 96 "He calls it the world's first organic vibrator!" 97 "Last week, I got arrested by a female cop. She asked me, `Are you carrying a concealed weapon?'" 98 "I replied, `Keep frisking me like that, and I soon will be!'" 99 "My best sexual encounter was in the South Sea Islands..." 100 "I pushed a volcano into a virgin!" 101 "Didja hear about the copier company that bought out a musical instrument maker?" 102 "They're marketing a new reproductive organ!" 103 "I just flew in from Coarsegold..." 104 "...and, boy, are my arms tired!" 105 "What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?" 106 "Gladiator." 107 "I always say that little things mean a lot!" 108 "On the other hand, never underestimate the power of big, jiggly things!" 109 "Have you heard about that new radio station in town, KPMS?" 110 "Every month they play three weeks of blues and a week of ragtime!" 111 "Whaddsa' matter, folks? Am I keeping you up?" 112 "You know, folks, it just don't get much better than this!" 113 "Waddaya out there, a painting?" 114 "Tough crowd. Tough crowd." 115 "I shoulda never given up my day gig!" 116 "Waddaya waitin' for folks? This IS the `A' stuff!" 117 "For this I spent four years in college?"


0 You are inside the glass elevator. Your favorite kind of music is playing. You hum along, insipidly. 1 The entrance to the Casino's Cabaret Lounge is to the right. A glass elevator awaits your entrance. An ashtray sits in front of that planter full of plastic plants. 2 "...strangers in the night, da da da dee da..." 3 (How you love Muzak!) 4 Wasn't that a fast ride! 5 There's some kind of card in the ashtray. 6 Yuck! 7 You foolishly run your fingers through the discarded cigarette butts until you find one hot enough to burn you. Ouch! 8 The ashtray is of no further interest to you. 9 The casino thoughtfully provides a courtesy telephone here in the lobby. Someone thoughtlessly filled its coin slot with chewing gum rendering it unusable to you. 10 You'd love to talk on the telephone, but this one is not in working order. 11 You attempt to return the telephone to working order by prying the chewing gum out of the slot. You cannot. You'll just have to find another telephone. 12 Yeah, it does smell like a public telephone! 13 You know, the people on those plants look like ants from up here. 14 Those ARE ants, you fool; we haven't left the ground yet! 15 The plants are a member of your favorite species: polyvinyl chloride. You notice an ashtray in front of the planter. 16 To you, the plants have no distinctive smell or taste. 17 Carefully feeling the panes, you decide this window is really a painting.


0 You are in the Casino's hotel. Doors line every wall, many with "Do Not Disturb" signs hanging from their doorknobs. 1 There's a door with a heart on it to the west. 2 There are buttons labeled "one" through "eight." 3 "strangers in the night, da da da dee da..." 4 (How you love Muzak.) 5 Whew! You're dizzy. 6 You close the door behind you, and jiggle the knob to confirm it is locked. 7 Not one for those long elevator rides, eh, Larry? 8 You rap your knuckles on the door. 9 "Hey, Scott, the girls are here!!" 10 "It says `Do NOT Disturb!' Can't you read?" 11 You hear some extremely heavy breathing. 12 "Go away! I gave at the office!" 13 "Oh, Chris, there's someone at the door!" 14 "They're gonna have to wait, Kim Baby! It's too late for me to stop now!!" 15 "Baaaaah. Baaaaah!" 16 Don't even ask, Larry! 17 "Oh, Bruce!" 18 "Oh, Howard!" 19 "Oh, Terri!" 20 "Oh, Keri!" 21 "Ken! Get off me, Ken!!" 22 "Oh, gawd, Ed!! Get in the closet. It's my husband!!" 23 "Bobbit, is that you?" 24 "Not now; I've got Wessonality!" 25 "Is that Room Service? I didn't order anchovies." 26 An eye appears at the peephole. 27 "Hey, Mary! Isn't it a little early for Trick or Treaters?" 28 "Oh, gawd, Ed!! Get in the closet. It's my wife!!" 29 Hmmm. Is that the smell of burning rubber? 30 "Oh, Jeff. You really know how to hurt a guy!" 31 "Get away from him, you bully! He's mine." 32 This must not be the right door, Larry. 33 You loudly rap your knuckles on the door. 34 There is no response to your knock, but now your knuckles hurt. 35 Fawn's sexy voice oozes through the door, "Oh, baby, it's you! You're back!!" 36 There's a click as she unlocks the door, then "Come on in, you wonderful hunk!" 37 You can't wait! 38 Fawn's delicate voice booms out across the hotel, "Just a minute, Larry!" 39 There's a click as she unlocks the door, then a piercing "Come on in. The door's open." 40 Subtly, you shout, "Here I come, baby!" 41 You marvel at the hotel's efficiency. The elevator is always waiting for you. 42 The cheap, plastic heart is not worth taking. 43 It's a door not unlike all the others, except this one has a cute, little, trite, cracked, plastic heart stuck to it with a thumbtack. 44 It's no good. The door resists all of your efforts. 45 It's a door just like all the others. 46 To you, the plants have no distinctive smell or taste.


0 You are at the top floor of the hotel. That desk is where you lost your Faith, remember? 1 (Al's so proud he finally got to use THAT line!) 2 You are at the top floor of the hotel. A beautiful security guard sits behind a desk. 3 "strangers in the night, da da da dee da..." 4 (How you love Muzak!) 5 Whew! You're dizzy. 6 "I'm outta here!" cries Faith. "I've gotta get home to my boyfriend before this stuff wears off!" 7 "Hey, thanks a lot, buddy!" shouts Faith across the hotel. "We'll do it once for you!" 8 Twisting her key in the lock, she disappears down the unmarked employee staircase. 9 Sorry, Larry. It appears Faith is true to her name. 10 Oh, oh. Where are we goin' now, Larry? 11 The penthouse elevator doors glide %s. 12 The rumors were right. You are quick on the trigger, Larry! 13 She might listen to you, if you can establish eye contact. 14 There are buttons labeled "one" through "eight." 15 The glass elevator only goes down from here. How about you? 16 The doors are securely closed. A brass plate near the elevator says: "Private." There is no button nearby. 17 The doors are open. Go on in. 18 "Touch that button, and you're dead meat, White-Suit!" 19 "Hello? Hello?" you cry. There is no answer from within. 20 Evidently the rooms on this floor are all unoccupied. 21 It's no good. The door resists all of your efforts. 22 To you, the plants have no distinctive smell or taste.


0 "Bad breath's one thing, Mister; but, you could knock a buzzard off a manure truck!" 1 She is a knockout! But that pair of pistols slung around her hips brings a sense of foreboding to your gut. 2 Faith only gives the bottle of Spanish Fly a quick glance before saying, "Boy, thanks! How did you know I love this stuff?!" 3 She tosses back a few pills, then a few more, finally gulping down the whole bottle! Her breathing becomes faster and faster. She begins to pant! 4 She's really getting turned on! 5 (Looks like tonight's your lucky night, Larry.) 6 Her eyes are as sensuous as her lips. 7 Her lips are moist and inviting, but then, you also felt that way about Mr. Bergman, your junior high school math instructor! 8 She's the loveliest woman you've even been THIS close to, Larry. 9 You long to get closer to her beautiful long neck. 10 "Oh, DON'T do that!" she says, "I have a job to do here!" 11 You wonder just how religious this girl could be, wearing an outfit like that. 12 Upon touching the cross, you feel a sudden inspiration. 13 "What is your name?" you ask. 14 "Faith," she replies. 15 Hmmm. Unusual name. 16 Her hair is thick and beautiful, falling in cascades around her delicate shoulders. 17 "I'd love to run my fingers through your hair," you say. 18 "From the looks of your hairline, you'd love to run your fingers through ANY hair!" 19 "Your hair smells wonderful," you offer, assuming it's her shampoo you're smelling. "What's your brand?" 20 "Smith and Wesson!" 21 What a pair of pistols! 22 That pair of pistols she's wearing aren't the only 38's she's packing! 23 You can only imagine! 24 Her uniform reveals she's built like a brick shipyard. 25 "Stop staring there," she says softly. 26 "You know, I'm supposed to be working!" 27 "Hi ya, Baby. I think I loves ya!!" 28 "May I help you in some way, Sir?" she responds in a pleasant, but businesslike voice. 29 "My name is Larry; Larry Laffer," you offer. 30 "Say, Larry," she says with a smile. "Is that a roll of dimes in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" 31 "Hey, sweetheart. What's your sign?" you ask her. 32 "`EXIT," she replies. "Try using it!" 33 "What's your name, beautiful?" you ask. 34 "I'm only in town for one night," you try again. "How about we get together when you get off duty?" 35 She smiles and says, "Oh, I could never be unfaithful to my boyfriend." 36 (Larry, it seems this one's gonna require outside assistance.) 37 "When do you get off?" you ask her. 38 "When I'm with someone romantic!" she replies. 39 "Don't sit here all night," you plead. "Why don't you come with me?" 40 "Perhaps," she says, "but right now, I'm working." 41 You're a man of the world, Larry. Perhaps some sort of medical stimulant would help. 42 "Try it, and I'll blow your head off." 43 (She is, of course, referring to the use of her pistols, Larry!) 44 There's an aroma of authority in the air! 45 "Really? I'm not that kind of girl." 46 "So, what time do you get off?" you ask her. 47 "Usually after I get home following work," she replies. 48 "Oh, no, thanks. It is against regulations for security guards to eat while on duty." 49 "I'm sorry," Faith replies, "but you don't know me that well!" 50 "Oh, no, thanks. It is against regulations for security guards to drink while on duty." 51 You click the remote at the security guard. As you expected, it fails to turn her on. 52 "Apparently your unit isn't functioning properly," she says smugly. 53 "Oh, no, thanks. It is against regulations for security guards to accept common, ordinary, gifts while on duty." 54 "Yes, good idea," she smiles, caressing that pair of loaded weapons, "I try to always pack a little protection myself!" 55 "Oh, no, thanks. It is against regulations for security guards to eat while on duty," she says. "Besides, I have to watch my girlish figure." 56 "That's a duty I'd be glad to volunteer for!" you think. 57 She peers closely at your disco pass. "Say, exactly what's going on here? This isn't an authorized disco-dancing-type club admittance authorization voucher, 7325B/11" she says. "I'm going to confiscate this on the grounds!" 58 "An impressive weapon, Buddy!" she whispers huskily, "but you must learn how to thrust it properly!" 59 Faith has her own "Jugs," Larry! 60 "You'd better not threaten me, Buddy! My weapons are bigger than yours!" 61 "I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm on duty right now, and even if I were off-duty, I'd still have no use whatsoever for %s!"


0 That's the elevator you rode in on! 1 Stop smearing the acrylic. 2 Sit now? Have you looked outside? 3 These plants aren't the only unreal thing in this penthouse!


0 The closet door is already open. 1 Walking out of the closet, you clumsily catch your new latex friend on a protruding nail! There's a loud, flatulent sound, and suddenly... 2 You huff, and you puff, and you blow your doll up. 3 Holding her out at arm's length, you pause to admire your handiwork... 4 Congratulations, Larry!!! You've done it!! You've successfully completed your evening in Lost Wages, lost your virginity, and emerged victorious! 5 Of course, your feelings of success are short-lived, since this is where Ken Williams has to tell you about all the wonderful sequels to this game that you now are required to play. 6 Hey, Ken! Come on out here, and give 'em your pitch... 7 Ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Ken Williams! 8 "Hi, folks! As C.E.O. of a Major Software Publisher you might think I'm above pitching products for Al Lowe." 9 "Boy, would you be wrong! I don't want to be pushy, but in my humble opinion, I think you owe it to yourself to run out to your local 24-hour software store right now and grab yourself a copy of EVERY chapter in the (now seemingly never-ending) saga of Larry; Larry Laffer, Al Lowe's lovable lounge lizard!" 10 "You would really enjoy `Leisure Suit Larry 2: Looking for Love (In Several Wrong Places)' in which you help Larry abandon his lizard-like ways and find true love on a breathtakingly-beautiful, tropical paradise called `Nontoonyt Island,' in spite of the efforts of the K.G.B. and the evil Dr. Nonookee!" 11 "Or, you may prefer `Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals' in which you play part of the game as Larry, but also play as Passionate Patti, a woman that is everything Larry is not. (And has everything Larry does not, too!)" 12 "But, I really hope you select my personal favorite, `Leisure Suit Larry 5: Passionate Patti Does a Little Undercover Work' in which Patti truly comes into her own, helping the F.B.I. clean up the entertainment industry, while Larry must find the sexiest woman in America for his employer, that hot new syndicated television program, `America's Sexiest Home Videos!'" 13 "You may wonder why I didn't mention `Leisure Suit Larry 4: The Missing Floppies!'" 14 "Me, too. The problem is: we don't know where it is! You know me; if we COULD find it, I'd sell it!" 15 "So, if you enjoyed this game (and you must have, since you got this far!), give Sierra's Order Desk a call at 800 326-6654 (international customers call 209 683-4468). We'll be happy to sell you any of the Leisure Suit Larry series, or even some of our good games!" 16 "Well, enough about me, now let's hear about you..." 17 "Oh, wait. I almost forgot to tell you how well you played." 18 "You played ok, I guess!" 19 "On behalf of Al and Marg, Ken and Roberta, Oliver and Lisa, Mike and Laura, Bill and Patti, Bob and Jeannine and Ted and Alice..." 20 "...thanks for playing, and be sure to tell each and every one of your friends to buy their own personal copy of this game." 21 "Love ya, baby!" 22 This is the flattest babe you've ever felt, Larry! 23 There's only one thing she can do with her mouth, Larry. 24 You may want to inflate her first, Larry. 25 The rest of the closet is rather dull compared to the inflatable doll. 26 You've found a closet full of uninteresting stuff, plus one inflatable doll. 27 Peering into the empty closet brings back sad but dear memories of your latex friend. 28 "What's behind that door?" you wonder to yourself. 29 This switch connects the two legs of a circuit causing current to swiftly flow to the lamp socket on the ceiling of the closet. 30 (Of course, nothing happens since the bulb is burned out, but you get the idea!) 31 It feels soft enough for you. 32 You might get to do that later, Larry. 33 They feel soft and fluffy. 34 Ouch! Are all the plants sharp? 35 What did you think? You maybe expected to climb this tree?


0 %s 1 If you inflate her any more, she'll pop! 2 She feels so life-like--for latex! 3 There's nothing more for you to see! 4 You're not sure, but you think she just smiled! 5 All right, you asked for it. In fact, you've asked for it twice! Here we go... 6 Selecting your own personal favorite from the three available openings, you shyly try out the doll. This has to be the kinkiest thing you've done yet, Larry. 7 You gradually increase your tempo as you lose your inhibitions (not to mention your self-esteem). Faster and faster you go, until suddenly, there's a loud, flatulent sound... 8 Geez, Larry. Do we have to? 9 Foreplay is not really necessary with inanimate objects. 10 (Besides, you find it difficult to establish a meaningful relationship with latex!) 11 "Ken was here, too!" 12 Oops! Bad idea, Larry! 13 That's not the item she expects you to use!


0 An expansive rooftop garden bathes in the moonlight, while a luscious woman bathes in the nude! 1 You can't believe your eyes. She's the girl of your dreams. 2 (She's even wet!) 3 As much as you'd like to get undressed and join that young lady in her hot tub, you haven't been invited yet. 4 (And you know about hotel security...) 5 Perhaps if you introduced yourself to her first... 6 Glancing around, you notice no changing facilities nearby. Oh, what the hell.... 7 Wasting no time, you execute your previously only pre-visualized spa hop, landing in the warm water. Oooh, does it feel good! It's nearly as stimulating as the beautiful naked woman next to you. With the warmth of the water soaking into your body, you quickly become quite relaxed. 8 "Say, Larry!" smiles Eve, "You really ARE glad to see me!" 9 You ask yourself, "Why am I standing here when I was invited into a spa with a woman like her?" 10 "Hey, handsome, why don't you slip into the water with me, so we can REALLY get to know each other!" 11 (Was she talking to you, Larry?) 12 A beautiful black woman relaxes in the penthouse suite's rooftop garden's spa. You begin to get the feeling that your evening in Lost Wages may be successful after all! 13 "Yes, of course I'd like to join you," you stammer. "In fact, I can think of nothing I'd like better!" 14 "(If I could only figure out how to take off these clothes)," you think. 15 "Well, uh," you stutter, "I've always felt it is a look that's right for me. `A man has to do what a man has to do,' I always say." 16 She smiles up at you, "I agree completely. I'm so tired of men who wear or say anything just to gain a woman's favors!" 17 "Gee," you think, "I would never do that!" 18 To her, you say with a smile, "And I so love what YOU are wearing!" 19 She laughs, "And, a sense of humor! Larry, you are one special man. Why don't you slip into the water and we'll see if we can REALLY get to know each other!" 20 "Hey, Gorgeous! Allow me to introduce myself," you say. "My name is Larry; Larry Laffer." 21 "Hello, yourself, Larry," she replies. "What an attractive leisure suit--I so miss them! It's refreshing to meet a man with so much self-confidence that he's willing to flaunt the fickle trends of fashion mores and deeply travel the road of his own secure masculinity." 22 There's not much you can do from out here. 23 Perhaps if you establish eye contact first... 24 You wonder if there's any way to turn off those bubbles! 25 Doesn't that water look inviting? 26 Because you are such a wimp, you turn the bubblers back on. 27 You coyly "happen" to step on the spa bubbler control switch. 28 Looking over at the next hotel, you see a window with its drapes wide open. 29 Say, look at that. There's an ugly girl getting undressed. 30 She's not really very pretty. 31 Well, she's not bad. 32 You know, she's looking better. 33 Say, she's pretty good. 34 Perhaps you could ignore some of her faults. 35 You may be in love! 36 You ARE in love! 37 Well, at least you're in lust! 38 Pant, pant, pant, pant, pant. 39 Say, what's that in that hotel window across the way?


0 Since you have no way of cutting the ribbon and it's far too tightly tied for you to loosen, it looks like this is the end for you, Larry. 1 "...he's currently tied up" 2 Probably the housekeeper will find you when she makes her usual rounds... in a few weeks! 3 You are in the casino hotel's honeymoon suite. The heart-shaped bed is just waiting for you and Fawn. There is a radio by the bed. This place is perfect for your wedding night! 4 The dim lighting sets the perfect atmosphere. What a lovely room! 5 (You've always been a fan of the "Early American Gaudy" school of decorating.) 6 This is the honeymoon suite. The heart-shaped bed seemed perfect for you and Fawn. Too bad things worked out like this! 7 "FAWN!! You scum-sucking gutterslug, get back in here!" 8 Unfortunately, your touching plea goes unheeded. 9 You can't. You're tied to a bed! 10 You already are wearing your "lubber!" 11 O.K. Good idea. 12 "Hey, don't rush it, buster! Can't a gal even have a drink first?" she "wines." "Geez, what a romantic!" 13 "Aren't you going to pour the wine?" she says, her eyes flashing. 14 "Ain'cha never heard of `foreplay,' Larry?" says Fawn. "I ain' no rabbit, you know!" 15 You can't. She fastened you quite securely! 16 "Oh, Larry, it's you!" Fawn says. "I thought it was that cute, young delivery boy again." 17 Hmm. What does she mean by that? Oh, well. You decide to let it pass. After all, this IS your wedding night! 18 "Oh, Larry!" oozes Fawn, "I've been waiting patiently right here on the bed just for you." 19 She says, "Lie down, Larry. I have a special little surprise for you!" 20 Then she says, "Close your eyes," and you do because you're sure that, finally, success is at hand. 21 "Oh, Fawn!" you moan. 22 "Ooh, Baby! That feels so good! Ooooooooooh!!" 23 "Say, Fawn, when are you going to get undressed?" 24 "Hey, what are you doing with the ribbon?" 25 "Oh, I see! We're gonna get kinky our first time?" 26 When Fawn has you securely tied to the bed, she leaps from the bed, grabs your wallet, and says, "You forgot to pay me for the wine!" 27 "It came to $%d.00, including the tip." 28 "Wait, Fawn!" you shout, "Come back! This is our wedding night!" 29 "So long, sucker!" 30 "FAWN! Come back!" you shout. "This isn't funny!!" 31 Hmmm. Does it count if a guy "consummates" by himself? 32 Larry, it seems "the honeymoon's over." 33 Right! Using the pocket knife you got from the old bum by the convenience store, you saw through the ribbon holding you to the bed. 34 You carefully remove your "lubber." 35 You grab your wallet and look inside. Oh, well. At least she didn't find the %d buck%s you hid in that secret compartment. With your consummate gambling skills, you should be back on your feet in no time! 36 Good idea. You never know when a nice piece of ribbon will come in handy. 37 Sounds like a nice mellow station... 38 The tuning knob on the radio is stuck. Looks like you're stuck with the Easy Listening station. 39 Click. 40 You carefully remove the bottle from the ice bucket, unscrew the cap, and pour two glasses. She downs her glass immediately, you refill it, and she does it again. Her eyes meet yours, and you're sure luck is with you this time! 41 The radio interrupts the lovely Frank Sinatra medley with an obnoxious singing commercial... 42 "We're Ajax Liquor, And we're proud to say, We deliver 'cross The U.S.A. You're out of luck If you want to dine, But if you just need booze, Dial 555-8039!" 43 "And now, back to our music." 44 The remains of the ribbon are lying on the bed. 45 Isn't it amazing how a simple ribbon can hold you so securely? 46 Isn't that cute? The honeymoon suite bed is decorated like a giant box of candy--complete with a cute red ribbon. 47 You can't do anything. Fawn has you fastened quite securely! 48 Unfortunately, your pleas go unheeded. 49 The ribbon smells Fawny. 50 Hmmm. Was "Tuesday" a good year? 51 You grab the bottle that once held the suggestion of a happy marriage but now holds nothing more than the bitter dregs of your "honeymoon-gone-bad." You unscrew the top and fortify your courage with a long, hard belt! You screw the lid down tight and quickly replace the bottle in the wine bucket. 52 You can't. It's the same brand that people can't break when they want to christen a ship! 53 She looks ready, Larry. 54 She looks like she could use some of that wine. 55 She is so beautiful you want to do wonderful things to, er, ah, FOR her. 56 "You know, a little wine would help me get in the mood, Larry." 57 "I'd think the least a gentleman would do is to buy a lady a bottle of wine." 58 "I'm ready when you are, honey!" 59 (Come on, Larry; what are you waiting for?) 60 She doesn't appear to be in the mood yet, Larry. 61 "Ahh, that feels nice!" sighs Fawn. 62 (You presume a little foreplay never hurts.) 63 "Ain'cha never heard of `foreplay,' Larry?" "I ain' no rabbit, you know!" 64 Fawn smells like a dream. 65 You have more important things on your mind than sitting. 66 This window doesn't open. 67 You are unable to break the window. 68 The ice bucket holds your fancy bottle of wine. 69 An ice bucket waits beside the bed for that bottle of wine you didn't bring! 70 You can't. Room service glued it to the table. 71 Oh, just leave the rose in its vase. 72 You're in the Honeymoon Suite and all you want to do is sit on a chair?! 73 "Why, Fawn," you say, "you placed my rose in a different vase." 74 "But, of course, my dear," she replies, "but let's not talk about flora at a time like this!" 75 You hope at least the rose pricked Fawn. 76 You only gave it to her a little while ago. Don't take it now. 77 Why take it? You don't want to remember Fawn (that scum-sucking gutterslug!).


0 "Hey, where did she go??" you think? 1 Wait, it's not a guy in a trench coat! It's two midgets in a trench coat!! And, they have nothing to hide. What a town! 2 It's a guy wearing a trench coat. 3 You get a quick thrill by leaning over the gurgling waters to grab a little feel of sculpture! 4 You wonder if they sell reproductions of these fountains in the casino's gift shop? 5 Did you ever think you may drink too much fluid? 6 "Say," you ask them. "By any chance, are either of you two named `Shorty?'" 7 You greet the stranger in the trench coat. 8 "Hey, Sonny! Come over here!!" he replies. 9 "Gitchur hands off'n me!" 10 "Hey, Sonny! Why don'chu jes' keep %s?" he says, ungratefully. 11 "Hey!" 12 "Who's the real weird-o around here?" 13 You're sorry you asked to smell that trench coat!


0 Your heart fills with eager anticipation as you see your lovely bride, Fawn, waiting for you at the end of the aisle. You've always been a sucker for beautiful weddings and you feel sure that this will be your most special wedding of all! 1 "So... shall we try again?" 2 "Yes, that's why I came back in," you reply. 3 To Fawn you whisper, "Thanks for waiting, Babe!" 4 Fawn replies, "It's okay, Larry. The preacher entertained me while you were gone!" 5 "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together today in the sight of, er, ah, um... each other, to enter these two people into the eternal bonds of marriage." 6 "But before we really get rollin', I'd like to say a few words. Many's the marriage that I've performed here, in this little chapel, wearing this cheap suit, before those shiny plastic-covered pews, with these electric candles, looking at those genuine Plexiglas stained-glass windows, for these measly few bucks..." 7 (He pauses for another nip from his pocket flask.) 8 "Where was I?" he hiccups. 9 "Digressing," you answer. 10 "Oh, well, have you got a ring?" he asks. 11 "Yep," you reply. "She's wearing it." 12 "Good enough for me! Have you got a hundred bucks?" 13 "Oh, oh. I've got EXACTLY a hundred dollars," you cry, "Once we're married, I'm sure Fawn will be glad to support us!" 14 "Not on your life, Larryberry. Get back out on those streets and bring back some dough!" 15 "Kill the music," the preacher shouts. 16 Shrugging your shoulders in defeat, you head sadly down the aisle--all alone! 17 "Of course," you reply, forking over some of your hard-won dough. 18 "Ok, now where were we? Oh, let's see here... let me skip some of this..." 19 "Oh well, let's cut to the chase. I now pronounce you man and wife, till death do you part, or until you get tired of each other, per the currently acceptable social standards!" 20 "You may kiss the bride," says the preacher. 21 "(Oh, boy!)" you think. 22 And with that he disappears behind the altar to refill his flask. 23 "Not now," says Fawn. "That kissing stuff can wait. I've got much better things in mind for us, Larry!" 24 "I'll go to our room right now and get everything ready for our big night," says Fawn knowingly. "You meet me at the Casino Hotel's Honeymoon Suite as soon as you can and I'll give you much more than kisses, my passionate polyester peacock!!" 25 "Hey!" you shout, "Wait for me!!" 26 Somehow this entire ceremony was less than you expected. The sacred bonds of marriage certainly get tied loosely in this joint! 27 "So?" the preacher asks sarcastically, "Did you bring the cash with you THIS time?" 28 "Well, er, ah, no, I'm sorry. I suppose I forgot," you reply. 29 "I told you, buddy, come back with 100 cold, hard ones!" 30 "Not me," you reply. "I thought this was a temple of love!" 31 "Sorry, buddy, you two are SOL until you can come back here with 100 cold, hard ones!" he says indignantly. 32 Gee, Larry! It looks like you have to leave your new bride waiting at the altar, while you generate a little positive cash flow! 33 As you leave, Fawn sighs under her breath, "Hurry back, Larry. I don't know how long I can wait before I have you!" 34 "By the way, Larry," she asks. "What does SOL stand for?" 35 "Why, Sierra On-Line, I presume!" you respond. 36 (Drum fill) 37 "Wait here, Fawn baby! I'll be back in a flash!!" 38 "Make up your mind, son. Time is money!" 39 (What an old romantic!) 40 Fawn is waiting for you at the altar. Go for it, Larry! 41 "Fawn, I think I love you!" you cry. 42 "Good enough," she replies cryptically. 43 "There'll be time enough for that later," she smiles. 44 "Yeah, I know. I can hardy wait too, Larry," she smiles. 45 Fawn smells of that new perfume, "Floppies." 46 You hold your hand in the flame. 47 OUCH! 48 The plastic covers are so slick, you'd probably slide right off. 49 You don't need more plastic things in your life. 50 Who are you? Liberace?!


0 "Ring." 1 "Ring ring." 2 "Ring ring ring." 3 "Ring ring ring ring." 4 How long are we going to do this before you answer the phone, Larry?! 5 "Got any sshhpare change, buddy?" 6 "Well, ok. Ya got any sshhpare wine, then?" 7 "Al'right. Be that way!" 8 He's headed for that dark alley, Larry maybe you should just catch him next time. 9 "Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, etc." 10 "I ain't got no remote control, but, sssshay, I'll tell ya what: here'ssh my trussshty ol' pocket knife. Ya never know! There are sssshome kinky girlssh in this town. Sssshexy hunkssh like ussh might have to defend oursshelves sometime!" 11 With that, he "sssshtumbles" off into the darkness. 12 Cheezzzz! This guy could make that dog smell refreshing! 13 You search the bum diligently and find nothing but a strong aroma, which you allow him to keep! 14 "Here ya go, pal. Take my diamond ring! A guy like me doesn't need commitment!" 15 "I got this from a fella that reminds me of you," you say to the bum. 16 "Peace, baby!" you say, handing the flower to the bum. 17 "Want a piece?" you say. 18 "Have you seen the kind of filth they're selling inside this convenience store!" you state, indignantly. "Why, it's an outrage!" 19 "Take this bottle of pills," you tell the bum. "I'm sure I'll have no use for any aphrodisiacs this evening. After all, I only hung on the side of a fire escape dangling from a velveteen ribbon to get these babies!" 20 Here take a swig of this gramps. 21 "Ssshay, buddy," grins the bum, "I kinda enjoyed that!" 22 "Howsha 'bout a drink, Shonney?" 23 "HEY! I may be down, but I ain't THAT out!" 24 "Hey, thankshh, Misshter. Now I can go visshit that hooker!" 25 "Make love, not war!" he replies, pocketing your rose. 26 "I'm trying to cut back," the bum replies. 27 "Yeah. I'll give it further ssshtudy back at my placessh." 28 "Thanks. How droll." 29 "Thankshh Does thissh mean we're engashhged?" 30 "Burp. Thanks, I needed that! See ya 'round!!" 31 "Outta my way shhonney, I know marssshhal artshhh!" 32 You hang up the telephone and wipe the sweat from your hands! 33 "Hello!" you cry into the darkness, "is there anybody back there?" 34 It does feel like glass. 35 They could hear you better if you went inside the store. 36 You swipe the diamond ring across the Quiki-Mart window, leaving a giant scratch in the glass. You hope you were not observed! 37 That sign is too high for you to reach. 38 There are some numbers scribbled on the side of the telephone. The only thing legible (and printable) is: "555-6969." 39 The locked gate effectively prevents you from any cultural enlightenment by entering the Art Gallery. 40 You have no wish to talk to a bunch of paintings. 41 You fish a dollar out of your wallet and hand it to the bum. "Gossshhh thanssskks, buddy," he says sarcastically. "With all thisssh money, maybe I can finally invessst in sssome sssmall company, growth mutual fundsssh!" 42 Although the bum IS in need of an industrial-strength deodorant, your breath spray doesn't have enough horsepower to kill that aroma! 43 "Say, would you like a watch?" you yell to the bum. 44 "No," he responds, "would you like TO watch?" 45 useVerb hit, with invItem = %d 46 "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!" you pontificate. 47 "A gallon a day keeps the pink elephants away," he mutters. 48 No, Larry. You'd better keep that for yourself. 49 That bum has no need for %s.


0 Please hang up and try again. This is a recording. 1 Please dial the party to whom you wish to speak with. 2 Just press a button or walk away. 3 Hmmm... it's busy. 4 A sensuous female voice answers the telephone after the third ring. 5 "Hello, welcome to the National Quiki-Sex Survey Hot Line. Please answer the following questions. I may have something wonderful waiting for you!!" 6 "First, a few questions about you..." 7 "What is your name?" 8 "My name is Larry; Larry Laffer," you respond. 9 "Oooh," she sighs, "what a sweet name!" 10 "Oh, I so love a man with a manly, yet urbane, %s!" 11 "Mmmmmm, mine too!" she says, knowingly. "I just love that part with the two women!" 12 "Ahhh, and I can just picture you in it, too!" she moans. 13 "Now, a few questions about your favorite lover." 14 "Yeah, me too!" 15 "Thanks for participating. Your prize is..." 16 .... 17 Hum. Looks like they hung up on you. Oh, well. It was probably a bummer prize anyway! 18 You pick up the telephone, and hear a familiar voice. 19 "Hello, Larry! This is %s. I was just sitting here in the %s, wearing your %s and thinking about you (if you know what I mean!)." 20 "Why don't you forget about this silly game, and come over to my place? I'll slip into my %s, and we'll curl up in front of the fireplace and I'll stick in our copy of "%s!"" 21 "You know your %s has always turned me on! So bring along a %s and come play with my %s!" 22 "Pretty soon, we'll both get excited and we'll %s like we always do!" 23 "Bye, Larry! See you soon?" 24 Hmmm... Ajax Liquor Store's line is busy. 25 "Hello. Ajax Liquor Store. We deliver!" 26 "I'd like to purchase some fine wine," you say. 27 "Hey, ya called the right guy!" he says. "Where didja want it delivered?" 28 "To the Casino Hotel's Honeymoon Suite," you respond. "And step on it!" 29 "Ok. Consider it done. I'll send one of my hottest young men. Hey, thanks for calling!" 30 And with that, he hangs up. 31 (What did he mean, "hottest?") 32 "Hello," a pleasant voice responds. "Sierra On-Line." 33 "We're not open at night, but if you'd call during business hours (and stop using this pretend telephone) we would be happy to sell you a copy of any of Al Lowe's other games!" 34 "We also have many lines of GOOD games you should consider. Just dial Sierra's Order Desk at 800 326-6654 (International customers call 209 683-4468)." 35 "At the same time, be sure to inquire about our full line of Leisure Suit Larry novelty items." 36 "Thank you for calling Sierra On-Line, and for your purchase of `Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards.' Goodbye." 37 Such blatant commercialism turns you on. You make a mental note to purchase one of those great, Al Lowe games! 38 "I'm sorry, but you have reached a number that is disconnected or no longer in service. Please hang up and dial again." 39 "This is a recording."


0 "Hey, Meester!!" yells the clerk. "I hope you enjoy your %s-weight, %s-gauge, %s-flavored, %s, %s, %s, %s, %s, %s small-sized lubber!!!" 1 "STOP! THIEF!" cries the clerk! 2 "Where?" you wonder. 3 Caught you red-handed! 4 The clerk does not take kindly to your shoplifting. His magnum makes a permanent impression on you. (And, IN you!) 5 You haven't used your old "lubber" yet! 6 After looking around to make certain you're alone, you quietly ask the clerk if he has any protection available. 7 "Sure, we got lubbers!" 8 (Obviously you've hit his area of expertise!) 9 "What kind lubbers you want?" he asks. 10 "What texture you want?" he asks. 11 "What color you want?" he asks. 12 "What surface you want?" he asks. 13 "What pattern you want?" he asks. 14 "What flavor you want?" he asks. 15 "What weight you want?" he asks. 16 "What thickness you want?" he asks. 17 "What protection you want?" he asks. 18 "What size you want?" he asks. 19 "Oakie, doakie Meester!" 20 "Hey, everybody!! This weirdo just bought a %s-weight, %s-gauge, %s-flavored, %s, %s, %s, %s, %s, %s small-sized lubber!!!" 21 WHAT A PERVERT!! 22 He hands you the package, saying "All together, that will be $%d.00, prease." 23 You grab a lovely cardboard box of "fine" wine. You wonder how they can make a profit on this stuff, selling it for only a dollar a gallon! 24 "Hey, Meester, eet smells like chur brand!" 25 You can't stand the idea of running your hand through THAT turban! 26 "Oakie, doakie Meester! That'll be $%d.00." 27 You give him the money, with a pleasant "Thanks a lot, Saddam!" 28 "Have a nice day." 29 Unfortunately, you only have $%d.00. 30 (Perhaps you can sneak out without paying.) 31 "Ooooooh, Meester! Thank you for free money. What wonderful country thees is!!" 32 "Fposwqa feinnzx. Ofewass gewyiu qfbva." 33 "Poolskd asd woefpo lkjfq feps of foeps." 34 "Owf wepa vpifk qpqwf? Qqwpp apifrp qp foiw!" 35 "Qufe weax zxo zvp zvqiw vpozcvajpbnv wf, apoz. Wfipa?" 36 "Tqp nbq bqopni ba ajpqoi fqyq. HA HA HA!!" 37 "Pqwwo qfp qwfnbv qozdvie. Ppqow poqw fvzxc ioplhjk." 38 "Zxzz pofqsoo afpoistr zxcv." 39 You can't reach the cameras. 40 Larry! Don't expose yourself to the video camera! 41 These shelves don't contain the particular necessities you need right now. 42 Ah, the aroma! 43 There are many magazines on the rack, but your eyes immediately go to the ones with the naked girls on the cover. 44 Nah. That's enough reading material for one game. 45 Suiting your discriminating tastes, you select the current issue of "JUGS." 46 There are many magazines on the convenience store's spacious magazine rack. How will you ever choose? 47 Whew. One of those handsome boxes is about all a guy needs, Larry. 48 There's nothing of interest inside. 49 Chunks of your tongue are still frozen to your ice tray at home, Larry. 50 Your current supply of breath spray is not yet depleted. 51 The breath spray display is filled with your favorite, Uvula Killer Brand, `Garlic and Cloves 24-hour Breath Freshener.' 52 "Tastes great, and drives the babes crazy too!" 53 It's broken. 54 Baked apples? Not really. 55 Yeah, good idea! Melted ice cream. 56 The sign reads, "Lubbers For Sale just ask clerk!" 57 The sign reads, "Lubbers For Sale -- just ask clerk!"


0 Gazing up at the storefronts before you, a deep, strange, mystical feeling comes over you. Surely every one of the windows looking down on the city has a wonderful, lonely story hidden behind it. There are millions of stories here in Lost Wages, but you'll never know any of them. Such is the fate of those who are morally-weak, but financially-strong. 1 (What the hell was THAT all about?!) 2 "Halt!!" says the bouncer. 3 "I'm sorry, sir, but this is a private club." 4 You whip out your "borrowed" membership card, and lay it on him. 5 "Here ya go, lil' buddy," you tell the bouncer, "I'll just go on in now, ok?" 6 "Good evening, Sir. I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you sooner. Please, come right in!!" 7 "Here, take this diamond ring," you tell the bouncer. 8 "Gee, thanks, buddy!" he says. "Go right on in!" 9 The bouncer seems happy to see you leave. 10 The bouncer is physically well-developed, but you feel sure he's not as wise as you are in the ways of women. 11 Larry! How could you be so foolish! You can't pick a fight with a dude as tough as Pickhinke! 12 (You know he'd beat you to a pulp!) 13 "On behalf of our entire Disco staff, I'd like to express our appreciation for your patronage this evening. We hope you enjoyed your visit, Sir!" 14 (Boy, has his tune changed, eh Larry?) 15 "This disco looks like a very swinging place," you say to Pickhinke, "how's about letting me in?" 16 "Either show your membership card, or get lost, Scum-Breath!" 17 (It seems he's uninterested in idle chit-chat, Larry.) 18 "Excuse me, sir," you say to the bouncer, "but I really have to use the restroom. Would it be okay for me to use the one inside?" 19 "Nope," he replies, succinctly. 20 The bouncer smells of stale gymnasiums and vinyl exercise benches. 21 "How's about a little green sliding across your palm?" you ask the bouncer. 22 "How's about your little butt sliding across the pavement?" he replies. 23 Psst. Psst. 24 "Hey, get that crap away from me!" 25 "Wanna know what time it is?" you ask the bouncer. 26 "Time for you to get lost, Creep!" 27 "Wanna nibble on my fruit?" you ask the bouncer. 28 "Wanna taste of my knuckles?" he responds. 29 "How's about a little drink, buddy?" you ask the bouncer. 30 "I never drink when I'm on duty," Pickhinke replies. 31 "Peace, Love" 32 "Piece this!" 33 "Have you ever made a balloon out one of these?" 34 Pickhinke ignores you completely. 35 "Wanna nibble on my num nums?" 36 "You gotta be kiddin!" 37 Your attempt to stab the bouncer is foolish. He handles tough guys for a living. 38 "I never drink when I'm on duty," he replies. 39 "Take a look at these!" 40 "Man, I got better than that waiting at home," he replies. 41 "May I offer you one of these breath mints?" you ask the bouncer. 42 "Right. Sure. Do I look stupid?" 43 (Don't answer that, Larry! It may be a trick question.) 44 "Who's Ken?" barks the bouncer. 45 Try as you might, you are unable to "turn on" the fireplug. 46 The locked gate effectively prevents you from gaining the cultural enlightenment you so desire. 47 You have no wish to talk to a bunch of paintings. 48 "Hello!" you cry into the darkness, "is there anybody back there?"


0 You smile at the girl and say, "May I join you?" 1 And, of course she replies, "Why, am I coming apart?" 2 (Drum fill) 3 She might listen to you, if you can establish eye contact. 4 Perhaps you should sit with her first. 5 "Not again. That trip through the ceiling gave me a headache!" 6 You screw up your courage and ask, "What would you say to a spin around the dance floor with the nearest thing to John Travolta, baby?" 7 "Well, okay, I guess," she replies, thinking to herself, "near as I'm gonna get!" 8 "Hey, Baby, what's a beautiful doll like you doing sitting all alone?" you say to the beautiful doll sitting all alone. "Wanna dance?" 9 "Dance? With you?" she replies, "Why I don't even know you." 10 Once again, you're a little premature, Larry! 11 The girl smells of expensive perfume and has even more expensive tastes. 12 Gosh, Larry. Maybe you should have loaned her some money! 13 There's a gorgeous blonde sitting at the table, and she's all alone! 14 Perhaps you should sit with her. 15 Stop tapping on the glass! 16 My, that Al Lowe is a stunningly handsome fellow! 17 (The preceding was a paid editorial message.) 18 Trust me; don't touch me! 19 "Hey! Keep your hands off me!" shouts Skirvin. 20 "Wanna go somewhere after this, Bill?" you ask William Skirvin, creator of all the wonderful graphics in this game. 21 "Zzzzzzzzzz," replies Bill from behind his shades. 22 (Bill is the master of the sitting nap!) 23 Don't tap on the glass! 24 "HEY! Stop doing that!" 25 Barry's clothes are covered with paint. 26 Mike feels good, like a programmer should. 27 Oliver enjoys being touched like that! 28 Roger FEELS life-like! 29 Ouch! That coral is sharp!


0 "So, Fawn, have I given you enough presents that you would dance with me?" 1 "But, of course, Larry," Fawn replies, "You should have asked sooner!" 2 "Oooh, you're so sweet. I just LOVE you! Larry, I want you to make wild, passionate love to me!" 3 (All right, Larry. At last, you're gonna get lucky!!) 4 She continues, "But first, we must get married. I could never make love to a man unless he's my husband. If you would loan me two hundred dollars, I'd rent the Honeymoon Suite at the Casino Hotel for us. Then, after we're married, we'll celebrate there." 5 "You know, Larry, a swinging guy like you must be loaded with dough," says Fawn with a tempting smile. "Why don't you give me a couple hundred so we can blow this joint?" 6 What a knock-out! She has bright blue eyes and a dazzling smile. Your eyes roam her body, and what you see, you like. She's sensational!! 7 (Larry, this MUST be love!) 8 Those beautiful eyes tell you this doll requires more than your usual smooth talk. 9 "Please," she says coyly, "stop staring there." 10 "Hi ya, Baby. What say you and me get it on?" 11 "Get lost, creep." 12 "Hey, sweetheart. What's your sign?" you ask her. 13 "Octagonal," she replies. "Like in `STOP!'" 14 "My name is Larry," you offer. "Larry Laffer." 15 "Say, Larry," she chuckles, glancing downward, "is that a pez dispenser in your pocket, or are you just lonely?" 16 "What's your name, beautiful?" you ask. 17 "Fawn," she replies. 18 Somehow you knew that. 19 "So, how about it, Larry?" Fawn says in her petite voice. "May I have a measly two hundred bucks, or not?" 20 "I'd really like to get to know you better," you say. "What kind of girl are you, anyway?" 21 She smiles and says, "I'm just a girl who can't say no... 22 (All right, Larry; this is what you've been waiting for!) 23 " nice presents," she concludes. 24 (Oops.) 25 "Not again. That trip through the ceiling gave me a headache!" 26 You screw up your courage and ask, "What would you say to a spin around the dance floor with the nearest thing to John Travolta, baby?" 27 "Well, okay, I guess," she replies, thinking to herself, "near as I'm gonna get!" 28 Fawn smells of expensive perfume--probably a gift from some admirer. 29 "Something might be arranged in that department," says Fawn, coyly. 30 "Well, really. I'm not that kind of girl!!" 31 "Uh, gosh, Fawn," you mumble. "I've only got $%d.00 bucks on me!" 32 "I'm sorry, but I'll need at least two hundred dollars," she says with a coy smile. "You know it'll be worth it!" 33 It appears Fawn has caught you a "little short," Larry. Better try the casino, and hope for a run of good luck! 34 You fervently hope she'll wait for your return. 35 Conveniently, she offers, "I'll wait right here until you return." 36 Gee, Larry, this is working out swell. 37 "Ooh you're so sweet. I just love money." 38 "Thanks, Larry. You won't regret this. Meet me at the Marriage Chapel near the Casino in a few minutes. I'll get us a room. Hurry, Larry, I can hardly wait!" 39 "Ooh you're so sweet. I just love roses." 40 "Ooh you're so sweet. I just love Candy." 41 "Ooh you're so sweet. I just love diamonds." 42 "Are you implying I have bad breath?" she says angrily. 43 It IS getting late, Larry. And you're sure she's soooo lonely! 44 "Why, Larry! What a cute little clicker you've got." 45 You're rushing things, Larry. Calm down. 46 She'd probably dance with you if you'd offer your hand. 47 It would be smart for you not to let Fawn know you're carrying a concealed weapon! 48 "I have no interest in naked women--or window washing!" Fawn says. 49 "Oooh, I just LOVE to play with manly tools!" 50 "Ken? Never heard of him," she says. Then her expression changes. "Say... what's he like? How much does he make? Is he married?" 51 "Oh, %s is sweet, but I'd like something special... from a guy like you!" 52 Her mind is stuck in the present(s). 53 A long and lovely neck perfectly fills the distance between her head and her shoulders! 54 "Ooooh, that feels nice!"


0 Oh, no! What's that? In the east! It's... it's... it's the sun!

1 Glancing at your watch, you realize the terrible truth. Your night in Lost Wages is over, and (technically speaking) you're still... 2



4 Larry-cakes anyone? 5 Life is no longer worth living! 6 "You'll never ride with me again!" 7 It's never a good idea to "stiff a cabbie!" 8 "Stop whistling and get in the cab!" 9 "Too late now, Ace-(in-the)-hole!" shouts the rude cabbie, "I'm outta here!" 10 Hold your horses, he's on his way! 11 "I ain' gonna wait all day, bub!" yells the cabbie. 12 That's you all over! 13 Larry, the traffic here is really a killer! You should forget about crossing these streets! 14 It's not very clean. 15 It's not very safe. 16 (And those are its good points!) 17 It smells like an old cab. 18 It's too late now, Larry! 19 Vowing to hold your breath forever, you enter this miserable excuse for public transportation. 20 Obviously, he thinks you're a fire plug. 21 You hope he's soon a "Hmong" friends. 22 Dogs like that make you want to keep moving. 23 As you bend over to show that dog who's boss, his bare teeth convince you there are worse things than damp trousers! 24 The dog smells quite bad, although still better than you. 25 It would seem turn-about would be fair play, but you just don't have it in you! 26 You whistle loudly for a taxi.





































0  "Leisure Suit Larry 1:
in the Land of the Lounge Lizards"

Executive Producer
Ken Williams

Creative Director
Bill Davis

Al Lowe

Stuart Moulder
1  Game Designer
Al Lowe

Art Designer
William Skirvin

Lead Programmer
Oliver Brelsford

Chris Braymen
2  Animators
Barry Smith, Jennifer Shontz,
Roger Hardy Jr., William D. Skirvin,
Eric Apel, Russ Truelove,
and Desie Hartman

Background Artists
William D. Skirvin, Jay Allan Friedmann,
Jennifer Shontz, Jane Cardinal,
and Maurice Morgan

Oliver Brelsford, Mike Larsen
and Al Lowe

Witty Text and Documentation
Josh Mandel
3  Music Director
Mark Seibert

Sound Effects
Chris Braymen, Mark Seibert
and Orpheus Hanley

Theme Song Composed by
Al Lowe

Some tunes written by dead guys
(and you know who you are!)
4  Written Exclusively in S.C.I.
"Sierra's Creative Interpreter"

System Programmers
J. Mark Hood, Jeff Stephenson, Bob Heitman
Pablo Ghenis, Dan Foy, Larry Scott,
Mark Wilden, Eric Hart, and Chris Smith

Quality Assurance Team Leaders
Mike Pickhinke and Keri Cooper

Version %s, July 4, 1991
5  Having fun?
Want to have more fun?

For another "real good time,"
just dial Sierra On-Line's
Order Desk at 800 326-6654
International customers
call 209 683-4468

They have lots more games available
and all of them are better than this!
6 How could you play for %d hour%s, %d minute%s and %d second%s and only score %d point%s?!
7 You've been playing this game for %d minute%s and %d second%s and you've only scored %d point%s?!
8 You've been playing this game for %d minute%s and %d second%s and you haven't scored a single point?
9 Get a life!
















863.tex Edit






script filesEdit


string_2ebc = "sKenTalksGirl"
string_2eca = "sTellJoke"
string_2ed4 = "sSulk"
string_2eda = "sSitDown"
string_2ee3 = "sToStoreroom"
string_2ef0 = "sFromStoreroom"
string_2eff = "sDoor"
string_2f05 = "sGoPimp"
string_2f0d = "sLeftyServes"
string_2f1a = "sBabeScript"
string_2f26 = "sGuyScript"
string_2f31 = "sFatsoScript"
string_2f3e = "sDudeScript"
string_2f4a = "sThrowLarry"
string_2f56 = "Lefty's proudly presents for your listening and drinking pleasure:"
string_2f99 = "Taxicab from Hell"
string_2fab = "Air For A \"G\" String"
string_2fc0 = "I Can Can You"
string_2fce = "Mantovani's Revenge"
string_2fe2 = "Theme from \"Bo-Larry\""
string_2ff8 = "\"Wedding March\"\n" \
"by Bloughengrin"
string_3018 = "Prelude to an\n" \
"Afternoon of Fawn"
string_3038 = "Her Albert Has\n" \
"Some Iguana Gas"
string_3057 = "That's a Sweet Moon, Honey"
string_3072 = "sPlaysong"
string_307c = "egoActions"
string_3087 = "drunkCircle"
string_3093 = "the jukebox"
string_309f = "Gee, Dad. It's a Wurlitzer!"
string_30bb = "jukebox"
string_30c3 = "Ivan's head"
string_30cf = "blondHead"
string_30d9 = "Ivan's hand"
string_30e5 = "blondHand"
string_30ef = "Ivan"
string_30f4 = "Obviously, heavy drinking is not just an obsession with this guy!"
string_3136 = "blondGuy"
string_313f = "the babe"
string_3148 = "babeTop"
string_3150 = "She may not be a great looker, but think of the muscles she must have in that leg!"
string_31a3 = "babe"
string_31a8 = "Ken's head"
string_31b3 = "kenHead"
string_31bb = "Ken"
string_31bf = "A large man sits beside the only woman in Lefty's. He's obviously thrilled with the sound of his own voice."
string_322b = "ken"
string_322f = "James"
string_3235 = "dude"
string_323a = "A skinny man sits at the bar, talking to his overweight friend."
string_327a = "skinnyMan"
string_3284 = "Richard"
string_328c = "An overweight man sits at the bar, talking to his skinny friend."
string_32cd = "fatso"
string_32d3 = "Lefty"
string_32d9 = "\"What'll it be?\" Lefty responds."
string_32fa = "A Round"
string_3302 = "Champagne"
string_330c = " Wine "
string_3313 = "Light Beer"
string_331e = " Beer "
string_3325 = " Whiskey "
string_332f = "lefty"
string_3335 = "the fan"
string_333d = "fan"
string_3341 = "the moose's eyes"
string_3352 = "mooseEyes"
string_335c = "the peephole"
string_3369 = "peephole"
string_3372 = "the door"
string_337b = "You wonder how many naugas had to give their all just to decorate this sleazehole."
string_33ce = "door"
string_33d3 = "the stool"
string_33dd = "There is a lovely, empty, pink stool just waiting for a lovely, empty, pink rump like yours."
string_343a = "stool"
string_3440 = "the moosehead"
string_344e = "It's an antique, left over from \"King's Quest III.\""
string_3482 = "moose"
string_3488 = "the painting"
string_3495 = "You don't know much about art, but you do know what you like!"
string_34d3 = "painting"
string_34dc = "sScratchy"

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.